Take a journey with me into the season of my life when I experienced toxic people in a personal way. The pronoun "they" is used throughout the episode to represent a summary of toxic relationships I experienced, expressed in a single narrative. (This episode has content that may be difficult to navigate for those who have been in or who currently are in dysfunctional relationships.)
Today's episode of the Black and Brave podcast, focuses on a season of my life when I was in love with a toxic person. I'll share the typical characteristics that toxic people possess. I'll give examples of the damage that they can cause and what steps you can take to move on from toxic relationships and friendships.
Episode 6 Toxic People
[00:00:00] Marshea Pratt: [00:00:00] Hello everyone! Welcome to the Black and Brave podcast. A podcast for those who want to be set free from the things that hold them back My name is Marshea Pratt, and I am your host.
[00:00:10] The story I'm going to share in today's episode focuses on one particular relationship where I was totally in love with a toxic person. Whether you are currently in a toxic relationship or friendship (or think that you might be), I'm hoping that by sharing my story with you, you'll be able to identify the typical characteristics that toxic people possess; understand the damage that they can cause; and what steps you can take to move on from those relationships and friendships….in a way that you can be whole again.
Enjoy!
[00:00:44] When I was a kid, my Mom gave me the nickname, “Helpful Joe.” I earned that nickname because I was always looking for opportunities to help other people. Help anyone with anything. If I saw a problem, I wanted to fix it. If I saw [00:01:00] someone struggling, I wanted to go over and help them. I was the type of person who really gave of myself in so many ways. I would always go above and beyond to help people, especially people whom I really loved. I was more than willing, at any time, day or night, to give my time and my energy away to whomever needed it. I was always known for saying, “Anytime you need me day or night, just give me a call.” I know many of you have probably said that too.
[00:01:29] Unfortunately, the unintended consequence of being a “helper,” is that you often times become a magnet for toxic people. It is just the sign they need to start messing with your life because when you make yourself available and vulnerable (i.e., telling people you're available day or night for whatever they need), that is a perfect recipe for disaster. Toxic people will take advantage of that very character trait and exploit it for all it's worth. Toxic people will [00:02:00] plug into that part of your personality and drain you dry!
[00:02:04] When you're dealing with a toxic person, there are some things that you start noticing right away. You may not necessarily do anything about it. But you still notice it. The first one I, they center themselves in everything.
Everything is about them and for them. Whatever their needs are; whatever their heart desires; you're expected to make happen or to produce in some type of way. Nothing is about you or for you. Everything is centered around that person in your entire relationship. You're expected to support, encourage, and build them up…..and those same things are not reciprocated towards you (not on any kind of regular basis). And the more toxic to your relationship, the more and more it's about “them” and the less and less it's about “you,” or even more importantly, the less and less it's about “us” (the two as a couple).
They want to ensure that you make them the center of your world by any means necessary and that is included, but not limited to: lying to you, gaslighting you, bringing other people into your relationship to cause drama or to instigate things, and always keeping your relationship in a state of crisis. In the relationship I was in, I found myself spending the majority, if not all of my day and evening, pouring all my energy and time into this person trying to make them happy. Trying to keep their life on track. Trying to make sure that I was giving them everything that they asked for. They just sucked it all up, like a vacuum.
[00:03:46] As I mentioned earlier in the episode, I was totally in love with this person. I would do anything for this person. It got to the point where all that mattered was this person's happiness and joy. I gave up so much of who I was, what I wanted, my joy, my happiness. I wrapped my entire identity around this toxic person. And, at every twist and turn, they would have more and more unresolved issues and problems. They had such a powerful, persuasive way of making me feel sorry for them. They would manipulate me into thinking that I was the only person who could solve their problem or issue.
[00:04:28] Narcissistic toxic people are the absolute worst. Not only do they want your time and attention, but they also want to gain control over everyone and everything, including you. They demand your undivided attention. They manipulate you into adopting their views and values on life. The things they're wanting you to do and say are often the opposite of who you really are inside.
[00:04:55] In my relationship, I remember distinctly, that some very key things changed about me right away. I was wearing outfits that I would never normally wear. I was talking in a way that didn't even sound like me. I was hanging out with people that I barely knew (who were close friends of this toxic person). And I dumped all my close friends because (according to this toxic person), “I didn't need them and all they were doing was keeping us apart. They were jealous of the love that we had,” and all these other lies that I was told. And I just believed that.
For whatever reason, I was in such a vulnerable place, I wanted to be in love so badly and I wanted things to be a certain way. I just figured the only way to get there is just to go “all in” with this person and just please him in every way that I could. I did basically whatever this person wanted me to do, because I didn't want to lose their “love.” I thought it was all on me to keep the relationship going. And so, I did what I had to do to keep it going.
[00:06:00] If you've listened to previous episodes of my podcast, you will know that I struggled with Imposter Syndrome for the majority of my life. Toxic people love those of us who are insecure. They love to reinforce every single insecurity we have about ourselves. In my relationship, this person was very judgmental and critical of everything about me, my words, my actions, my physical appearance, my intelligence. They always had something negative to say. They continually reminded me of how inadequate I was, and they deep seeded SO much self-doubt and insecurity within me, that I felt like those seeds started to grow root (deep roots), and branches and bearing fruit (in ways that were really damaging to me, not only to me physically, but to me mentally and spiritually)!
[00:06:57] Every insecurity that I had about myself was reinforced by this person. At the same time, every now and then, they would throw me a little “nugget” of encouragement or a compliment here or there. And I would latch onto that…… as if I had been starving for days and someone threw me a cracker. And, when that “ one nice thing” was said to me out of a hundred negative things, I held onto that “one nice thing.” And I just kept trying to change myself to win this person's approval. It was never, ever enough.
[00:07:32] Being in a toxic relationship is like carrying a 50-lb. weight around your neck. You're responsible for everything, including the other person's feelings. When they have a “bad day”, they project all of those bad feelings onto you. When someone hurts them or makes them angry, somehow that person will turn it into a situation that was your fault and that you could have prevented, or you could have changed, or you could have stopped from happening.
[00:08:02] They make you feel guilty. They love to make you feel shame. They love to embarrass you and put you in compromising situations, especially in front of your friends and family. They won't take any responsibility for anything that they do, especially if their words and actions hurt you. They'll point to you as the person who is the problem. It's always your fault when they're unhappy.
[00:08:26] In the beginning of the relationship, this person really talked “to” me. And I thought this person cared and really understood who I was. Over time, this person stopped talking “with” me and then just started talking “at” me. Many of you are familiar with the Incredible Hulk. By day, he's a mild-mannered scientist. But if he gets angry,
[00:08:47] he is literally a totally different person. He doesn't look like himself. He is angry and scary and destructive. I never knew day to day who I was going to deal with… David Banner or the Hulk.
[00:09:03] Was I going to be dealing with the person who was going to be demeaning and degrading and saying negative things to me all day? Was I going to be with a person who flipped out when we couldn't get a close parking space and they blamed that on me because I didn't see the parking space soon enough? Was I going to get the person who was a puddle of tears because they were remembering some horrible things that happened in their childhood and somehow something I did that day triggered them into feeling bad about themselves? Was I going to be dealing with the person who expected me to work a full day and then come home and cook and clean and serve? THEN, when I even suggested that they help me wash dishes….they flip out and start yelling at me and calling me all kinds of names.
[00:09:48] Only every now and then, I would see that nice, kind, sweet person that I first started dating. Over time, this same person just became more impatient and very angry and very aggressive. They would always turn it back on me and somehow. Everything was my fault. Always. And that was really, really stressful, and hurtful. I found myself constantly apologizing for things that really, I had no reason to say I was “sorry” for because I didn't do anything.
You would think that would have been a “red flag” for me. But again, because my self-esteem was so low and my insecurities were so high, I just started to question. Maybe it was me. And I would just apologize anyway and trying to make things better. But of course, this person was never satisfied.
[00:10:33] No matter where they were, damaged was going to be caused.
[00:10:36] They make you think that whatever way they're behaving is just a “reflection” of something that you did or something that you said that they're just “reacting” to… they don't take any responsibility for their actions in any way.
[00:10:50] In order to have control and maintain that control, they push you to prove your love to them. They determined the actions that you need to take to prove to them that you really love them and that you're loyal to them. They manipulate you into thinking that your friends and family are against you. Oftentimes, your close friends and family can see right away that this person is toxic, and they are no good for you.
[00:11:16] Sometimes friends and family know you better than you know yourself. Oftentimes, the toxic person will be very aware of that. They will do whatever they can to break up any kind of friendships you have and any trust that you have between your family and close friends. They'll make sure that you ultimately end up having to choose your relationship with that toxic person or the relationship with your close friends and family. It'll get to the point where you'll become increasingly dependent on that toxic person, because that's going to be the only person that you literally have in your life from day to day.
[00:11:50] And once they have that hold over, you, it is really, really hard to get released from it because mentally you feel trapped. It almost feels like a leash that you can't unhook from. And, even if you had the opportunity to unhook from it, you're too scared. You're too insecure to think that you can survive without that person (because you're so locked into their identity and what they want for your life). So, you stay with that toxic person and continue to suffer the consequences of being in that kind of relationship.
[00:12:24]Anytime that you make any decisions that that toxic person doesn't agree with, they will argue you down like a police interrogation. They have selective listening and selective memory. So, no matter what you tell them that you heard them say, or you saw them do, they will deny it. They will spin it around. They will leave out key parts of a conversation that, you know took place and they will tell you, “Oh no, I never said that” or “You're crazy.” They're constantly making you second guess what you know.
[00:13:00] You know what you heard, and you know what they did. But they have that special skill of being able to use language against you. it's very, very damaging.
[00:13:11] They will tell you or they will show you consistently that they absolutely do not care about you and do not support you in anything that you are going through (especially when you're having a really tough time). I remember many situations in my relationship where devastating things would happen to me (whether it be at work or other locations) and I would just come home in tears. I would want to pour my heart out to this person and let them know how I felt. And, like anyone in a relationship, I just wanted that affirmation, that everything was going to be okay.,,,that this person had my back (just like I had theirs) and that we would get through it together. Instead, the reaction that I would get would normally be, “Why are you telling me all this stuff? What can I do about what you're going through? That's your problem. You need to figure it out. Quit bringing that stuff to me. Let's talk about something else. You're dragging me down.” They just didn't want to hear anything that I was going through.
[00:14:12] It was so hurtful because, I'm looking at this person and I'm thinking we've been in a relationship for years and you know me and you know how I feel and you know what kind of support I need, and you just refuse to give it to me.
[00:14:26] Despite seeing all of these different kinds of signs that I've shared with you all, after a lot of my close friends and family pulled me aside, called me on the phone, sent me a text message saying, “This person doesn't love you. This person doesn't care about you. You don't need this. It's killing you. You need to leave. You need to get out.” You would think common sense would tell me to leave this relationship.
[00:14:55] I was in a state of mind where I just didn't want to listen. I didn't want to hear that. Even when I was crying every day and I was rarely smiling, rarely laughing. I was mostly crying each and every day.
I still stayed in that relationship.
In my mind, I was thinking I've put so much time and energy and money. And everything else into this. I'm going to make it work. I don't care if this person is having these issues or treating me a certain way. After all that I had gone through, I just couldn't come up empty handed. I had to figure out a way to make it work. And so, I tried to make it work on my own.
It was the stupidest thing that I could have ever done.
[00:15:45] Of course things didn't turn out well. Things only got worse. One thing that (unfortunately) I learned the hard way is that you can't change another person. You can't make a person care about you. You cannot make a person love you. And, in addition to that, even if someone does love you, love is not enough. In my opinion, love is never enough to keep a relationship together. It has to be more than that. If you really love and care for someone, your words and actions are going to align and demonstrate that. if it doesn't align, you're not in a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, love is reciprocated. Care is reciprocated. There is reciprocity between the two of you.
There was none of that in this relationship.
[00:16:40] Somehow, in my mind, I had to reconcile:
How is it that I can love this person down to my soul….. love, love, love this person. And, at the same time, be cut so deeply by them. Be hurt in such a way that I wasn't even sure if life wasn't worth living at one point because this person was hurting me so badly? How can both of those feelings live within my heart at the same time?
I just didn't understand.
I didn't know what to do.
[00:17:12] I want to take a quick pause here to give a few quick, “thank yous” out to the people who make this podcast possible. DJ My Cousin Vinny, my music producer. LamarGibbs, my graphic designer. Chinwe Ohanele from Ohanele Law Firm, my attorney. MAJ Graphics, my marketing and social media team. I'd also like to thank Descript for producing such a wonderful podcast editing tool and Simplecast for making it easy for me to upload my podcast for all the world to hear. Now, back to the rest of our episode.
[00:17:47] I started to realize how bad my life had become. I was literally standing in front of my bathroom mirror, looking at myself wondering:
What happened? How did things get to this point? How did things get so bad?
I could see the hurt and pain inside of me manifested in my physical appearance. I had lost an unhealthy amount of weight. I saw my bones, outlined amongst my neck and shoulders. My eyes were sunken in, my hair was dry and brittle, my skin was gray.
I don't know how long I was standing there. I stared at myself for a really long time.
I truly didn't recognize the person staring back at me. That person looks nothing like the person who was happy and excited to be in love with someone. I realized that I had fully wrapped my identity around this person. I didn't have any identity of my own anymore.
I knew the person in that mirror really wasn't me.
[00:18:58] [00:19:00] To be in a relationship for years, where love and care and support were not being reciprocated back to me; where I was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted every day. I couldn't believe how much I was crying on a regular basis. I couldn't remember the last time I smiled or laughed about anything. I was lying to my friends and family and telling them I was fine when I knew I really wasn't. And that wasn't like me. That was not something that I did.
[00:19:33] I was too embarrassed to tell people how I was really feeling My finances were pretty awful. My credit rating was terrible. I had lost a lot of strong friendships with people, primarily because I had pushed them all away, in favor of this toxic person. I'd also said some pretty hateful things to people in defense of this toxic person. I had heard a lot of people's feelings, people I really cared about.
It was a horrible time for me.
[00:20:09] I had to ask myself some really hard questions.
How much longer am I going to put up with this?
How much more am I going to allow myself to suffer?
Is my pride and my shame and my embarrassment going to prevent me from ending this relationship?
When am I finally going to care enough about myself to say, this is enough, and I deserve better than this?
[00:20:33] After thinking things through for a really long time, I finally accepted the fact that the relationship needed to end. I had to really think through my “ next steps” because…
and I know some of you are going to roll your eyes at this….
But I still did love this person.
I just felt sad that the relationship didn't work out.
It was hard for me to separate my love for that person and the reality of the relationship that the love between us was no longer there.
I want to share a few steps that got me started on the journey to our eventual breakup.
[00:21:18] The first thing that I did was I got out a piece of paper. I know it sounds old school. Maybe you would get out a phone. For me, I like to write things down. I wrote a list of the positive things, about my relationship with this person and the negative things.
[00:21:33] I had pages and pages of negative. I only had maybe one or two positive. The “cons” outweigh the “pros” by at least 10 to 1.
But remember, I was totally in love with this person. I had wrapped my whole identity around this person. So, if I was going to leave, I needed to convince the front of my mind, (not just the back of my mind) the front of my mind, that it was the right thing to do.
And now, by writing that list, I could visually see, with my own two eyes, that I was truly in an unhealthy relationship. It wasn't just in my head. I wasn't crazy. It was on paper and I could see it visually for myself that the relationship was exactly what my friends and family were telling me and that I needed to get out. For whatever reason, I needed to see it visually. It “clicked” for me when I saw it written on paper.
Then, I had to put together a plan of how I was going to end this relationship. As I mentioned earlier in the episode, I had been with this person for years and my life was intertwined with this person-in the practical and the physical, the mental, everything was intertwined with this person. So, to just “leave” wasn't as easy as walking out the door.
I had to untangle some things first. So, I went through several steps to do that.
[00:23:06] Even in the emotional state I was in, I remembered my love for writing. And the best way that I can express myself is through the written word to get my point across. So, I thought, “You know what?” I'm going to write down what I'm going to say before I share it verbally. And I'm going to read it out loud a few times AND memorize it because I knew when it came time to say it, that I needed to say it quickly and with conviction. I needed to pray before I said it because the manipulation game for the person I was with was really strong. I didn't want to give in to the lies that I had been accepting all these year. I wanted to make a clean break and start a new chapter of my life. I knew it was going to be emotional. I knew it was going to be hard. And so, that's why I thought if I just memorize what I'm going to say, I say it, I'm done.
[00:24:04] There was much prayer and meditation between the day that I put everything together and the day that I actually said goodbye to this person. When I got to that last step….to set up the time to talk to this person, one-on-one, I was SO nervous. I was shaking. I tried my best to fight back my tears and just to remember the reason I was doing this was for my good. That even though, it may hurt for a short-term. In the long-term, I was going to be better off. I knew I needed to end that relationship and that's what I was focused on.
[00:24:42] I put the words together in a way that I felt this person could hear it because not everybody speaks the same language when it comes to breaking up. I didn't want to leave anything unclear. No gray area. I wanted it to be very straightforward, what I wanted and what next steps I was going to take.
[00:25:03] As I told all of you, this person was unpredictable. The first reaction of this person as I started talking, was to cut me off and say all kinds of negative things, demeaning things degrading things. I just continued to say what I needed to say…and part of that speech was:
I've spent years of my life taking care of you exclusively. Focusing on you. Financing your life. Pushing all my hopes and dreams aside for you, cutting off all my relationships with other people. I did everything for you. I did everything you said I did everything you wanted, and it was never enough for you. And I'm not willing to do that anymore. I'm leaving this relationship because it's the right thing to do for me.
[00:26:00] I deserve better, and I have to take care of myself. It's time for me to get my life back, to get my identity back. I have to get to a point where I can rebuild my life and start over. And my new life cannot and will not include you.
[00:26:20] That was it. And, I haven't looked back.
[00:26:25] For those of you thinking, “You know, I was in a relationship like that. But I feel so bad, and it's been so many years and….. maybe I need to go back to that person. Maybe that person has changed now. Time can heal things and people can grow and maybe I should go back.”
[00:26:47] I want to share a quote with you. That I heard recently from my pastor. I want you to meditate on this quote so that you can decide whether you really want to go back to a toxic person. Here it is.
Never go back. If the reason you left is still there.
Let me say it one more time.
Never go back. If the reason you left is still there.
In other words, if the toxic person has not changed their behavior drastically, if they haven't spiritually and emotionally matured, there is zero reason for you to return to the same mess that you left.
[00:27:32] In my experience, toxic people very rarely change. And even though you may love those people…Hear me clearly when I tell you that:
YOU CANNOT FIX OR CHANGE ANYONE.
Generally speaking, toxic people don't want their problems fixed or resolved anyway. Because then, they wouldn't have anything to complain about they wouldn't have anything to get attention for; no way to plug people in and drain out all of their emotional energy and time.
[00:28:03] Be really careful about your energy and time, and how you spend it, and who you're giving it to. Be really careful about opening your heart to someone who doesn't make the space and time for you at the same level that you make for them. If the energy that you're putting out is not reciprocated by that person who's in a relationship with you, that should be a huge “red flag” that something's wrong. And you need to assess whether you belong in that relationship or not. You need to decide what you're willing to put up with; how much pain you're willing to endure.
[00:28:39] In my case, I don't ever want to face that kind of hurt and pain again. I've just decided I don't necessarily need a relationship to feel whole. I'm a whole person without a relationship.
[00:28:53] We can learn lessons from the mistakes that we've made. We don't need to repeat them over and over again, and learn things the hard way. If we're smart, we'll listen to what Maya Angelou always said, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.”
That is exactly how we should be thinking about and dealing with toxic people.
[00:29:16] I'm not saying that every toxic person is a bad person. I'm saying that each of them has bad behavior and treat people badly. Deep down inside, these behaviors were probably learned at a very young age and they're just replicating what they were taught. It doesn't mean that you have to put up with that bad behavior. You don't have to put up with that bad treatment. You have a choice.
[00:29:41] It took me years to recover from the hurt and the betrayal and all the other negative things that went along with being with the toxic person. And even on my lowest day now, when I'm having a Murphy's law kind of day and everything is going wrong, that day is still better and happier than any day that I've spent with a toxic person.
[00:30:01] On the surface, it may seem better to have someone in your life than to be alone. I'm here to tell you that if the person in your life is making you feel worse rather than making you feel better. If they're consistently tearing you down rather than building you up…you are far better off being by yourself,
[00:30:21] It's better than being in a situation where you consistently feel like you don't matter. Like you've been othered, ignored and dismissed. No one wants to be in a relationship where they feel unheard and unloved. No one wants to be in a relationship where they feel less than, like they don't have an identity and they don't have a voice.
[00:30:43] You deserve better. We all deserve better. We deserve to have a life that's full of joy and happiness. And that when struggles come, we have people surrounding us who are building us up and encouraging us, not dragging us down. Where we feel like we're so [00:31:00] emotionally exhausted that we can't even live our own lives because we're too busy helping someone else live theirs. That's not the way this life was intended. We need to find a way to stand up for ourselves, and sometimes that might mean hurting someone's feelings, in the short term (e.g., breaking up with people, breaking up friendships, breaking up a relationship). But in the long term, your life is going to be SO much better because you'll be able to heal and move forward and invite people in your life who really deserve to be there.
[00:31:31] As you move into the next chapter of your life and away from these toxic relationships, there may be some resentment and pain and regret and other kinds of emotions that need to be attended to. Perhaps you can do that through a spiritual connection or through a professional counselor.
[00:31:48] But, at the end of the day, you need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what you see and feel whole. You don't need another person to make you feel whole. You can be whole and complete all on your own.
[00:32:03] If you're in a loving relationship, having that reciprocity where you all support one another, you should feel free to be able to express your feelings and emotions in a healthy way.
I had to learn that the hard way.
[00:32:17] Being a helpful person, needs to have boundaries. It's not meant for me to help everyone. It's meant for me to help the people that God assigns me to. I'm not here to be obsessed and absorbed with people's feelings and emotions and drama. It's not my job or role. That's not my purpose. I don't believe that's your purpose either.
[00:32:39] My last piece of advice would be for all of us to get really clear on what our purpose is and who we really are, and surround ourselves with people who can support and encourage us moving down that path.
[00:32:52] And, if you do have toxic people in your life and you recognize that, even though it may be difficult, it is worth it for you to make that list, make that list of pros and cons, and then detach or remove those things and people out of your way who are holding you back. Decide what kind of life you really want to live.
[00:33:17] That's it. Everyone. Thank you so much for listening. This is the Black and Brave podcast. Take care.
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