I've spent years unlearning some bad habits. Avoiding taking risks is one of them.
Taking Risks Episode 5
During this time of unprecedented uncertainty in our world, now more than ever, we are being asked to step out of our comfort zone. In this episode, I will share how my life was impacted by spending years in my comfort zone…. absolutely refusing to get out. I will also share the transformational things that have happened in my life since I made a conscious decision to dive into the deep water of life and never returned to shore. Enjoy!
Taking Risks Episode 5
Marshea Pratt: [00:00:00] [00:00:00] Hello everyone and welcome to the Black and Brave podcast-a podcast for those who want to be set free from the things that hold them back. My name is Marshea Pratt and I am your host.
[00:00:21] During this time of unprecedented uncertainty in our world, now more than ever, we are being asked to step out of our comfort zone. In this episode, I will share how my life was impacted by spending years in my comfort zone…. absolutely refusing to get out. I will also share the transformational things that have happened in my life since I made a conscious decision to dive into the deep water of life and never returned to shore. Enjoy!
[00:00:50] When I was younger, I was a pretty obedient kid. I did whatever my elders told me to do because I was truly [00:01:00] afraid of the consequences if I disobeyed. I never would define myself as much of a risk taker. There are so many times in my life where I felt uncomfortable. When I had the opportunity to be comfortable, I didn't want to step out of my comfort zone at all. Ever! Overall, I lived a pretty cautionary life. Back in those days, simply being Black in America was the biggest risk that I was taking on a daily basis. There were very few environments where I actually felt safe to be my authentic self. I was already risk averse…. just based on my DNA. I didn't naturally feel safe anywhere.
[00:01:43] It's risky to be Black in America. You never know what's waiting for you behind the door, around the corner…. just walking down the street! In my mind, the thought of jumping out of that box of comfort and taking risks didn't [00:02:00] seem like the right thing to do.
[00:02:01] The origins of me not being much of a “risk taker” really start there…with my elders sitting me down and giving me, “The Talk.” I didn't have any people around me who really encouraged me, at any level, to take risk. And let me be clear, [00:02:18] the risk that I'm talking about may seem very minor to those who haven't lived as a Black person in America. There are many childhood activities and events that my peers (who didn't look like me) experienced on a regular basis. Going to summer camp, spending the night at each other's houses for sleepovers, having each other over for dinner, etc. Those things I wouldn't dare try as a young person in the neighborhood I was living in. Every now and then, I would have a few friends who look different than me, whose parents would allow them to come over to my house… maybe for my birthday.
[00:02:56] But, there was no kind of interaction going on, on a [00:03:00] regular basis. I learned very quickly, based on the experiences that I had, and the way people treated me, to live my life in a very cautious way. And, to be careful and watchful with everything that I said or did.
[00:03:13] I had a few influential elders in my life who routinely gave me warnings. Every time I wanted to do anything that they felt was the least bit risky, they would say, “Don't do this or don't do that!” When I was carrying something that was made out of glass, they would say, “Be careful! You might break that!” Whenever I was in the kitchen, learning how to cook, they would constantly say, “Be careful! You don't want to burn yourself.”
[00:03:39] When I would be in the car and the wind would be blowing and I'd roll down the window, and stick my arms out, they would say, “Bring your arms back in here before they get cut off!” What was going to cut off my arm? At that time? I have no idea.
[00:03:52] And, they mean well, trying to prevent us from being harmed or maybe they're a little superstitious, or both.
[00:03:59] [00:04:00] It reinforced for me that taking risk was not a good idea. Ever. I couldn't think of a circumstance where taking a risk would be a good idea based on the criteria that they would give me.
[00:04:10] It placed in my mind that doubt - that taking risks wasn't something designed for me. It wasn't something that I should be engaged in; it wasn't something that I could benefit from. And so, I routinely just did what I felt was absolutely safe or had the lowest risk possible. In those circumstances, I would look to one particular elder to make all my decisions for me and tell me what to do….and that was my mother. My mother was very loving. She was smart. She was a spirit filled woman that had an answer for everything…
and that worked out in my favor for years. Anytime I would go to her for good advice, I would receive good advice.
[00:04:50] Anytime that I wanted her opinion on something, she always had an opinion. She was like a ”well” that never ran dry of great information [00:05:00] and advice.
[00:05:00] However, when I started growing up and becoming a teenager, I realized that some of the things that I was going through, my mother had never experienced because she was of a different generation. And, her thoughts on things didn't really align with what I was going through. It was difficult to navigate the world without her, as my compass.
[00:05:20] I had to start navigating it on my own. Rather than taking risk and trying new things and experiencing life to figure out what the answers were to the questions I had, I decided to hide from the world; to keep my questions to myself. I decided to spend hours in my bedroom alone; reading books or doing other activities where I didn't have to interact with the world. A lot of things that…. I could have and should have experienced in my adolescence to teach me about success and failure, joy, and pain….[00:05:54] I sheltered myself from that.
And my mom and others continue to shelter me [00:06:00] by overprotecting me and limiting my interaction with the outside world and just having me focus on my academics or other activities that they felt were safe. By the time I got to be an adult, a lot of social skills that I should have been practicing and learning over the years, I didn't have.
[00:06:18] And, life hit me very hard. And failures and insecurities and rejection hit me like a ton of bricks because I didn't have that thick skin; the resilience and the practice to prepare for what the world was really going to throw at me.
[00:06:33] Even though I know my mom and other elders in my life meant well, they didn't mean any harm….teaching me to be careful; giving me a lot of wise counsel, and not necessarily encouraging me to rely on my own mind to make my own decisions. I was just a child in their eyes. And, they felt like their advice and their direction was always the best way to go. What I thought or what I had to say, didn't [00:07:00] always matter to them because they always felt like they were, “the wiser people.”
[00:07:05] I can see why they operated that way. I can see why my mother parented me in the way that she did. I can see why she was so over-protective of me. Because the world was a dangerous place, and it continues to be a dangerous place, especially if you're Black in America.
[00:07:22] The unintended consequences of that kind of upbringing resulted in several challenges.
[00:07:29] Fear was my primary obstacle. Not only was I afraid to take risks, I was afraid to try anything new that I hadn't seen someone else do before successfully. I made assumptions about the world and how it operated. I would take other people's word for things, rather than finding out the answers to the questions I had about life for myself. Sometimes those people that I trusted that I thought knew what they were talking about, didn't have a clue. That took me down the wrong road, many times in life.
[00:07:59] I didn't [00:08:00] get into relationships. I didn't seek out a lot of friendships because I was always afraid that people would let me down because that's what elders would always tell me. “Don't trust anyone.” “Be totally independent.” “Never ask for help. Just put your head down and work.”
[00:08:14] As a result of that mindset, I am very independent and self-reliant. However, I was very lonely in different seasons of my life because I didn't have that inner circle of people. I refused to connect with others for fear that they would let me down.
[00:08:34] Another area that really bothered me is that I was uncomfortable with any kind of uncertainty. The plus side of that is that I became a planner. I planned out everything! (e.g. planned out my homework, planned out what I was going to wear each day, planned out my grocery list, all those kinds of things.)
[00:08:51] On the flip side though, because I was such a planner, I would get frustrated and sometimes angry when things didn't go the way I wanted them to go. [00:09:00] Because I expected everything to go like I planned. When in fact life is full of uncertainty and it's much more likely things are going to go. In a different way than you planned most of the time. I didn't have life experiences to back that up though. When those changes and uncertainty happened to me, I had a difficult time managing it and handling my emotions.
[00:09:21] Even the simple things I would be very reluctant because I didn't know what the consequences were going to be ahead of time. When people would offer me a new food that I'd never tried before, I would say, “no.” I wouldn't try them. Anything that was unfamiliar, I just wouldn't approach it. When someone said, “Do you want to go to this new city or do this new activity?” Unless my mother volun-told me to go, I would say, “no.”
[00:09:47] I missed out on a lot of opportunities to get familiar with things too. Have those new experiences that help to expand your mind learn about different cultures and different ways of being, .
[00:09:57] I was always focused on the [00:10:00] worst case scenario, always focused on the negative consequences of anything that I would attempt to do. No matter what the situation was. My first thought was, “Oh, how hard is this going to be? What is the worst thing that could happen to me in this particular situation that I'm in?”
[00:10:16] That was really a heavy burden on my heart. Having that negative outlook is really exhausting. It just perpetuated the fear that I was already experiencing.
[00:10:26] I said “no” to everything that I could. Again, if my mother voluntold me to do something, of course I had to do it because I feared the consequences if I disobeyed. Everything else in my life….if someone asks me, 9 times out of 10, my answer is going to be “no.”
[00:10:42] I also had some really unrealistic expectations of myself. As I said in earlier episodes, I suffered with Imposter Syndrome for a while. When I was in elementary school and junior high, the academic part of it wasn't really that hard. I was dealing with some other issues at school that were [00:11:00] a challenge.
[00:11:00] I thought when I get to high school and college, it's going to be easy. I realized that, “Oh no. The homework is much harder.” The kids are just as smart as me, if not smarter. I wasn't prepared. I went from a really, really successful kid that had hardly any homework (because I did it so quickly), [00:11:17] to the kid that was spending twice as much time doing homework as anyone else. My self-esteem went really down. I started to question what was going on with me. I didn't have the confidence to ask for help because I felt like that was a sign of weakness. Again, that mantra that I learned from my elders of being “self-reliant” and “don't ask for help” and “don't trust people” [00:11:40] made it really hard for me in school. I had to work twice as hard and twice as long to learn some of the basics because I was too afraid to go to my teachers and seek help or to get a tutor or things like that (because I just saw it as a sign of weakness).
[00:11:55] I also began missing a lot of opportunities for my personal and professional [00:12:00] development. Opportunities to go to conferences and workshops and go to camps…. I was very reluctant to do those things unless the school assigned me to go, or my mom made me go. There weren't too many opportunities that I just jumped up and said, “Yes, I want to explore this, I want to have a sense of adventure and creativity.” I just rejected all of that because that world of creativity and risk-taking…. I just didn't feel like it was meant for someone who looked like me.
[00:12:28] When I went to college, I definitely wanted to hide in my turtle shell as well. As I mentioned in a previous episode, there were very few Black people at my school. Very few people that looked like me in any class. I was the only Black person in just about every class over a four year period of time. I really struggled to find my community.
When I did find that community, it took me a while to open up and be vulnerable and build friendships with people. I was building my life based on what I learned when I was younger. Don't trust people. Don't be [00:13:00] dependent on others. This world is not for you. It's against you. It was really hard
[00:13:04] I want to take a quick pause here to give a few quick, thank yous out to the people who make this podcast possible. DJ My Cousin Vinny, my music producer. Lamar Gibbs, my graphic designer. Chinwe Ohanele from Ohanele Law Firm, my attorney. MAJ Graphics, my marketing and social media team. I'd also like to thank Descript for producing such a wonderful podcast editing tool. And, Simplecast for making it easy for me to upload my podcast for all the world to hear. Now back to the rest of our episode.
[00:13:40] I began to create my own coping mechanisms, which were all very unhealthy. Hiding my feelings not addressing what was going on with me. Not seeking help. Isolating myself from others; spending hours in my room by myself.
[00:13:58] Using [00:14:00] food as a comfort and overeating or eating junk on a regular basis. Partying with friends, as a way to take the pain away of whatever I was going through at the time.
[00:14:12] I connected with people in unhealthy relationships. People did not treat me well. I just sucked it up and dealt with it because I didn't want to complain I just felt like maybe this is the best relationship I can get. And, if I just work hard at it, it'll get better…when really, the people I was in relationships with just weren't treating me well. I was too embarrassed to leave those relationships and feel like a failure. I tried to keep those relationships going. Those relationships really broke my heart in pieces.
[00:14:44] At a point in my life where I felt like I was at my lowest, I had to figure out how could I get out of this bad cycle. How do I make this change into living life more fully, being a risk taker, not being [00:15:00] ruled by fear? Trapped by fear. What are those first steps?
As I mentioned in a previous episode, I created for myself, a personal board of directors. I knew that there was one member of my personal board of directors that could help me. These are the suggestions that she gave me that I implemented.
[00:15:19] Have a mindset of positive expectation. Eliminate my focus on the worst-case scenario and focus on the most positive thing that could possibly happen (from the next steps that I was going to take in any situation).
[00:15:33] She also asked me to be realistic about the risks that I want to take and why and be strategic in every step. Being strategic as a form of planning. And, being a planner by nature, that was its own comfort that I could leverage that particular skill and still be able to take risk and be successful.
[00:15:52] Release the weight of other people's expectations. Do an inventory of my friends.
Remove the [00:16:00] people from my life who were toxic and not helpful. There are many times in my life when I've surrounded myself with people who also never want to get out of their comfort zone. [00:16:11]They just want to do the same thing every day and they're not willing to take risks of any kind. Being around them is like living a Groundhog Day life. Nothing is going to change. I'm not going to grow. I'm not going to develop in the ways that I need to.
She advised me to take an inventory of all my friends, my acquaintances. Taking an inventory of who had access to my life. I needed to just cut myself loose from that kind of toxicity. I had to remove people from my inner circle who would rather be stuck in their ways, then to see me grow.
[00:16:48] I just had to clean my mental, physical, and spiritual house, if you will, from all the toxic stuff that had been poisoning my life. Add positive affirmations and little forms of [00:17:00] risk-taking to my daily routine.
Check in with my personal board of directors more often. Increase the time that I'm spending, developing myself personally and professionally. Increase the time that I'm spending with God to develop myself spiritually. Increase the amount of self-care that I was doing and listening to my body and what it needed.
[00:17:20] In that clarifying conversation with my friend, she also advised, “Life, generally speaking, will not go exactly as you planned. You can prepare. But the best preparation you can do is preparing to pivot and adjust as needed. Don't be surprised when life throws you a curve ball. Learn to expect it.”
[00:17:40] I had to recognize that there are levels to this risk taking thing. Yes, racism prevented certain kinds of risk-taking. But there were lower levels of risk taking that I could do. There were small steps that I could take to build community and connection with people. She encouraged me to add new people to my life and network that were doing the things that I [00:18:00] aspire to do and are doing them well. Stop judging myself and not feel so overwhelmed by the possibility of rejection, or a failure or someone breaking my trust.
[00:18:12] In a lot of ways, I started out a person who learn by example. As I got older, experience was a better teacher. Through the experiences of reaching out, little by little, making new friends, trying new foods going to new cities, etc. I learned how to build up some confidence being around groups of people that I didn't know. I learned not to let people's comments, especially if they were not constructive bother me or shape my view of myself. I learned not to let fear trap me and make me feel unable to cope with life. I learned how to manage that fear. I learned how to channel that energy into something positive.
[00:18:54] I also came to terms with the fact that risk is part of the road to success. [00:19:00] Failure and rejection are also on that road. There's nothing wrong with experiencing those things on your way to becoming who you truly are meant to be. The things in this life that are really worth experiencing all involve risk, some of them really deep and wide risk.Life is really designed with risk in mind. The key is managing your responses to those things when they come. Have a support circle around you of people and resources that can help you along the way.
[00:19:30] When we had that conversation it made total sense. Things started to click for me. I let way too many people get in my head. I spent so many years sitting on the shelf being comfortable. It was time to get out in that deep water and see what life was really about striving for greatness.
[00:19:45] I need to take those strategic risks. I needed to just embrace the fear and anxiety that may come along with some of these changes I was going to make. Because that was all part of the process. It wasn't something for me to overcome. It was [00:20:00] something for me to embrace and put in my backpack of life and say, “You're not going to stop me. You may be here, and you may be familiar, and you may cause me a little bit of discomfort. But you're not going to stop me”.
[00:20:12] After that meeting with my friend from my personal board of directors, I started to immediately put in a plan of action. I was determined to meet people who were influencers in their fields. I wanted to go intentionally to conferences and set goals to meet a certain number of people. And, do some very strategic networking with folks who were living life to the absolute fullest. People that I looked up to; people who I respected; people who I felt could make a difference in my mindset and keep me on the right path. I wasn't sure if people were going to accept my LinkedIn request. I didn't know if people were going to say “Hi” back when I said “hello” to them and give them 30-second elevator speech. I knew nothing.
[00:20:55] The only thing I knew for sure is that I had to try.
[00:20:58] I had no [00:21:00] idea how fun it would be to get out and take risks like this; to start actually hanging out with the people who were living the life that I wanted. People who were living out the dreams that I saw for myself. It was amazing to connect with people in such a deep and powerful way.I had no idea that taking risks could actually be fun; could be enjoyable.
[00:21:24] Even when people didn't call me back or conversations didn't go well, or I applied for things and I didn't get it, I didn't feel so devastated because I had a practice of risk-taking every day. Doing something to stretch me out of my comfort zone every single day. That helped build up resilience and confidence in myself.
[00:21:45] To the point now where, I look forward to taking a risk. I look for those opportunities. I try to create those opportunities when they're not presented in front of me. I do things I've never done before. I embrace these opportunities [00:22:00] 100%, fully knowing that there might be some fear, some anxiety, some nervousness that might come along with it. But, that percentage of those feelings in my life is going to get smaller and smaller as I continue to build my confidence. There will be things that I don't know how to do, and it's going to take me a while to practice and get better at them. There will be times when yes, I may fail. I have to be willing to fail to be available to succeed.
[00:22:29] Those of you that are looking to live life to the fullest will have to do the same thing. At first, it may seem really impossible. You don't have to do it alone. Find a community of people, even if it's just one person, that believes in you and will encourage you every step of the way.
[00:22:48] One of the biggest lessons that I've learned, out here in the deep water, is that there are a lot of other people out here too. It may seem like you're alone….until you lift your head and [00:23:00] look around. There are SO many people out here in the deep water, taking those risks, being open and vulnerable and gaining SO much from it. We're all here supporting each other. We want you to join us! If you have yet to come out to the deep water, I encourage you to hop in your boat, get your oars, put your life jacket on and come on in!
[00:23:24] Take the strategic risks that are necessary to live a complete life, full of joy, struggle, victory, and love.
[00:23:34] That's it for this episode everyone. Thank you so much for listening! My name is Marshea Pratt, and this is the Black and Brave podcast. Take care.
[00:23:45]
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