Setting and maintain healthy boundaries with people in your life is one of the BEST skills you can ever learn and practice! This episode talks about how you can start applying this skill to your life today!
I've had my fair share of experiences with toxic people. It's hard dealing with people who don't have any respect for you, your time or your energy. As I've gotten older and wiser, one of the best things I learned how to do was to set clear boundaries between me and the people I have in my life. Today's episode focuses on what boundaries are, why it's so important to have them in place, and some of the tools and tips you can use to implement healthy boundaries in your life and enjoy the freedom, respect, and safety that those boundaries can bring.
Boundaries - Episode 7
Marshea Pratt: [00:00:00] Hello everyone and welcome to the Black and Brave podcast, a podcast for those who want to be set free from the things that hold them back. My name is Marshea Pratt, and I am your host.
[00:00:11] As you've heard in previous episodes, I've had my fair share of experiences with toxic people. It's hard dealing with people who don't have any respect for you or your time or your energy, who don't believe that "No" is a complete sentence. As I've gotten older and wiser, and learned more techniques on how to take control of my life, one of the best things I learned how to do was to set clear boundaries. Today, I'm going to describe to you what boundaries are, why it's so important to have them, and give you the tools and tips that you need to implement boundaries in your life and enjoy the freedom, respect, and safety that boundaries can bring.
[00:00:53] Enjoy.
[00:00:54] I was very blessed to grow up in a home where the boundaries were laid out for me pretty [00:01:00] clearly. As I've said in previous episodes, my mother was very direct and upfront about everything; what her rules were; what the boundaries were; what the consequences were if I violated those boundaries. I could recite what the boundaries were if anyone asked me.
[00:01:17] When I was younger, I wasn't very good at setting boundaries in the beginning. I was always worried about hurting other people's feelings. In relationships with peers, it was really hard to set boundaries. I always was such a “helper” and I wanted to help everyone. That led to a lot of people taking advantage of my kindness and people did end up using and manipulating me in different situations, whether it be a friendship or a relationship. That was very hurtful and unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way that not everyone who claimed that they cared for me and respected me actually did.
[00:01:52] So, it’s important that words and actions align. When words say one thing and actions say something else, or vice versa, red flag for trouble.
[00:02:00] I'm not saying because you have boundaries that everyone has to change the kind of person they are in order to be your friend or in a relationship, because you are who you are at your core. But you have to be willing to respect the boundaries that are put forward.
[00:02:15] Typically as kids (and I think it's true with adults), we do whatever we can get away with. If people don't speak up, and let us know what they want, we make our own assumptions about what they want and how they want to be treated. I didn't always make clear what I wanted (i.e. what I wanted out of a relationship, what I wanted out of a friendship). I really didn't know. I didn't take the time to think about it. I kind of just went with the flow. And then, repeatedly I was hurt because things didn't work out the way that I thought they should, or people talked to me in a way that I thought was disrespectful. If boundaries aren't expressed in the beginning, they're going to treat you in the ways that they were treated as a child or in other relationships.
[00:02:53] Many of us are familiar with the Golden Rule: Treat others the way that you want to be treated. I decided years ago, to subscribe to the Platinum Rule: Treat others the way they want to be treated. I think that aligns really well with my viewpoint on boundaries and why boundaries, particularly in relationships, are so important.
[00:03:16] There are many definitions for a boundary. Let me just try to keep it simple and say that a boundary explains to people how you want to be treated, what you’re comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with (whether it be words or actions). Boundaries help guide us in how we are to interact with one another. And the more information that you can share with others about what your boundaries are ( and be very clear and specific), then it really minimizes the chances of misunderstandings and disagreements because people know where they stand. Although some people love to live in a world of ambiguity and uncertainty, I would guess the majority of us like to have at least some basic clarity on what the boundaries are. How far can we go? When do we have to stop, especially as it relates to how far we can push in a relationship.
[00:04:07] I know for some of you, it may seem like common sense. However, I will tell you from years and years of experience, a lot of people do not have common sense. People don't often know how you want to be treated. They weren't raised in a household that was healthy and functional. And so, their idea of treating people with respect might look really different than what you want to receive. So, at some point in a relationship, whether it be an intimate relationship or a friendship, you have to teach people how you want to be treated. Some people just don't know how to do it.
[00:04:41]You need to step forward and express clearly what your boundaries are so that folks are 100% certain. On what you want and what you need because people love to try to persuade you to change your mind once you say “no.”
[00:04:56]The word, “ No” is a complete sentence. Let me say that again. The word “no” is a complete sentence. When someone says no to you and that is the final answer, that is a firm boundary, especially when raising a child. I let my child know, from day one. When I say no, that is the end of the discussion. Period. There's no need to plead your case and try to persuade me otherwise. When I've made a decision that relates to a disciplinary action. No is the final answer. There is no further discussion.
[00:05:32] Oftentimes, we are socialized into thinking that everything is up for negotiation and every situation is an opportunity to bargain. You need to make it clear in your relationship when that's true and when that's not true.
[00:05:46] For example, I am a morning person. If you're wanting me to do a task in the middle of the night, I'm not your person because graveyard shift of anything is not my most productive time. You don't even have to waste time asking me if I want to go somewhere at two in the morning with you, because unless it's to the emergency room or some other urgent matter, the answer is going to be, “No.” And if you know that upfront, then you don't waste your time calling me. You’ll call somebody else who is a night person and enjoys going out at two o'clock in the morning and doing things together.
[00:06:16] It is very important to be specific when you are defining a boundary for someone. If you go to a restaurant, any restaurant anywhere on the world, and the server comes up to you and says, “What would you like to eat?” And you say, “I want some food on a plate and a drink and a cup.” And that's all you say to them. That's not going to be very helpful. We can take the time to review the menu carefully and be very clear about what we want to eat and drink. If it's not cooked and prepared in the way that you want it to be, then you may not leave a tip, right? Because it wasn't what you asked for.
[00:06:50] When people ask us specific questions about what we want out of a relationship, we give very generic answers. Then, we’re surprised or hurt or offended when our needs are not met in the relationship. It's important to have that information. People are not mind readers. They shouldn't be forced to read your mind and know what you want. That's exhausting for everybody involved.
[00:07:13]It's very important to be specific about what you want.
[00:07:17] . In my professional life, I had a supervisor who just cussed all the time. I told her, “In order for me to receive constructive criticism from you and be able to hear it, understand it, receive it, and respond to it in a calm manner….when we're interacting with each other, I would appreciate it if you would not use swear words.”
[00:07:35] Even though my boss was taken aback by how direct I was, she appreciated it because no one had ever told her that before. She didn't realize that it bothered me. Since I brought that forward, she was willing to lower her voice and to eliminate her swear words and just talk to me in a regular way. And we got along a whole lot better. I know for fact, had I never said anything, I would have had to put up with getting cussed out every week! That would have really worn on me emotionally.
[00:08:06] I believe that Iyanla Vanzant said it best. Think about these different aspects of boundary setting. Ask yourself, these questions.
What are you willing to allow?
What are you willing to accommodate?
What are you willing to tolerate?
[00:08:22] What are you willing to accept?
Once you've thought about and decided what your boundaries are, it's always good to write it down and review them and say it out loud and see if it makes sense to your ear. Because sometimes what we think in our head, what we put down on paper and what we say with our voice don't always align with one another. So, I would take some time and do that. Also, before you share your boundaries with other people, it's important to be clear on what the consequences will be if people violate your boundaries. They need to know that upfront as well.
[00:09:00] For example. At many stores, back in the day, they used to have a sign up in the window that said, “You break it, you buy it.” What they meant by that was, if you either, by accident or on purpose, broke anything in that store, there was an expectation that you would pay for whatever you broke. And you knew that going in because the sign was on the door. If you didn't want to abide by that boundary, you had every right and all the time in the world to turn around and go to another store to shop. However, if you chose to go inside that store, it was assumed that you read that sign. You understood what the consequences were if you violated that boundary of the store.
[00:09:42] I'm not saying that you have to put a sign in the front of your car or on the front of your living room window with your boundaries. However, you do need to verbalize them with people so that they can hear the tone of your voice and see your body language that you're serious about the boundaries that you're putting forward and what the consequences will be if they do not respect that boundary.
For example, one of my boundaries is that I don't like having my time wasted. If you don't know exactly what time you are going to be ready for me to pick you up, then you need to wait and call me once you are completely dressed and standing outside or sitting in your front living room waiting for me to pick you up. Call me then. Don't call me to come over and then I get there, and you aren't ready. Because what's going to happen is, if I walk in the door and you aren't ready, I'm going to get in my car and leave. And you can find another ride because I'm really serious about people not wasting my time.
[00:10:38] All my friends and family know that and so they do whatever they need to do on their end (whether that means they have to prepare an hour earlier or a half hour earlier. Whatever it may be). They do what they need to do, to respect that boundary. Otherwise, they know that I will not be there to make myself available to transport them that night or any other night if they call me.
[00:11:00] I'm not a heartless person with my boundaries. I do have grace for people in the sense that I do remind them of what my boundaries are and set them up for success. So again, with the example of picking somebody up to take them somewhere, I will text them (earlier in the day or an hour before or a couple hours before) and say, “Ok, I’m picking you up at such and such a time, please be ready. Text me when you are completely dressed and ready for me to come over.” And that way they know ahead of time and that works really well. It’s not meant to be mean. It's not meant to be bossy. It's meant to simply explain to people, “This is how I operate; this is the behavior I'm going to tolerate; what I'm willing to accommodate; what kind of behavior I'm going to accept and allow in my life. All of that is encapsulated in my expression of how valuable time is to me. I'm not going to sit around for hours or lots of minutes waiting for you to get yourself together. You need to be together before I get there.
[00:11:58] Not only are boundaries healthy for you mentally, it's also a way for you to remain safe. For example, one of my boundaries is I never accept anyone on social media to be a friend on my personal account, unless I know you well. I will not just accept a random stranger.
[00:12:17] I need to know you well and you need to know me. If it's a business account for this podcast, that's a different thing. Someone who is a fan of the podcast and wants to like my Instagram, @blackandbravepodcast, wonderful!
[00:12:29] If you want to be my personal friend on Instagram, then I need to know you personally. Otherwise, I'm not going to accept you as a friend on social media. It doesn't mean that you're not a nice person. It doesn't mean that I'm not a nice person. You're not part of my inner circle. You're part of my outer circle. Since I don't know you or anything about you. I'm not going to put myself out there and let you have access into my personal social media account posts and likes and shares.
[00:12:55] It is really important to show appreciation for the people who do respect your boundaries. I appreciate every person who takes my boundaries very seriously and honors them with their behavior and their words towards me. A good example of this is when my mother died years ago. I did not want people coming over my house, bringing me food, calling me on the phone. I just wanted to have some time alone to process what I had gone through. And there were only a couple of people who I had around me at that time. Everyone else, I said, “I appreciate you and I thank you for your prayers and support. I do not want any visits at this time. I will let you know when I'm ready for people to come over and visit.”
[00:13:37] The friends who care about me deeply and know me well, respected that boundary. No one was at my doorstep. No one was bringing stuff over. No one was ringing my phone or sending me text messages For a certain period of time in my life, when I expressed verbally and in emails and text messages to people that I wanted my space.
[00:13:57] People respected that and as a result, a lot of those people I'm still very close friends with today. I know that I can count on them to respect my boundaries at all times. By respecting my boundaries, they demonstrated that they respected me. I reciprocated that same respect when they articulated their boundaries to me. I do all that I can to honor and respect them in that way. When you're in a true relationship that's healthy and strong, whether it be an intimate relationship or a friendship, the respect and the kindness and the trust starts to build and grow.
[00:14:30] As with anything in this life, there are going to be people who don't agree with your boundaries; who have issues with your boundaries; who have an attitude towards you and think that you might be “bougie” or “bossy” or “rude” or “disrespectful”….because you won't let them do whatever they want to you. You won't let them talk to you any old way and they have a problem with that.
[00:14:52] What I would say to that is…… really think about whether those people belong in your life or not. Because the reality is, by having these boundaries, you are simply expressing how you prefer to be treated. If that person is not receptive to that, you don't have to stay in those relationships. You don't have to deal with those people.
[00:15:11] If it's a family relationship, it can be a little bit more complicated. In the sense that if you're all living in the same house, you do have to still deal with each other. As you get into adulthood and move out into your own life, you can decide how you're going to respond to the people who don't respect your boundaries. You can decide where the line will be drawn. You can decide whether to retaliate or not. I would NOT recommend retaliation. Not worth your energy. Not worth the time. Not worth the consequence.
[00:15:38] You can model how you want to be treated by the way you treat others. You want people to be kind to you? Be kind to them. You want people to say nice words to you? Say nice words to them. However, we all know there are going to be some people who just won't respect you; who will just talk down to you; who liked to instigate things and be negative.
[00:16:00] Remove yourself from those situations, with those people, as much as you possibly can. Sometimes that means you have to break off friendships or relationships. Sometimes it means you may need to move out of an apartment because your roommate Isn't willing to meet you halfway and respect your boundaries. You might have to take some steps to detach from that person or remove yourself from that situation in some kind of way. If that's the case, then I would encourage you to seek professional counseling or talk to a trusted friend who does respect you and get some sound advice on what your next steps would be.
[00:16:29] Because the one thing you don't want to be in is a relationship or friendship that's abusive in any way. Emotionally, physically, any kind of abuse is never okay. You don't want to be in a situation where you don't have any boundaries and so people (who want to take advantage of that), use you, abuse you, manipulate you. That's not the life that you want to lead. In those situations, your mental health and physical safety could be in jeopardy. It's important to seek out the help that you need to remove yourself from those situations or detached from those people in a way that is in the best interest of your health, safety, and wellbeing.
[00:17:09] Sometimes that can't happen overnight. Sometimes you need a plan and some steps of how you're safely going to remove yourself from those situations. Be mindful of who you're dealing with and how they're treating you; whether it's putting your mental health and physical health at risk. If so, it's time to make a change. But you want to do so with a plan. Not spontaneously, but with a plan that you've talked through with someone preferably a professional counselor.
[00:17:37] I want to take a quick pause here to give a few quick, thank yous out to the people who make this podcast possible. DJ my cousin Vinny, my music producer. Lamar Gibbs, my graphic designer. Chinwe Ohanele from Ohanele Law Firm, my attorney. MAJ Graphics, my marketing and social media team. I'd also like to thank Descript for producing such a wonderful podcast editing tool and Simplecast for making it easy for me to upload my podcast for all the world to hear. Now back to the rest of our episode.
[00:18:12] When you're considering what boundaries you need to set and what the criteria should be and putting those together, it's good to think about your own personal values. What are the character traits that are really important to you? Is it honesty? Integrity? Loyalty? Consistency? What are those things that are really important to you?
[00:18:33] I said earlier, I really am a respecter of time. I do not like to have my time wasted. Tomorrow is not promised to us. Every minute is crucial. So, for me, time is really a big piece of my boundary setting.
[00:18:48] I also believe in honesty. I want people to be truthful. I don't want people to make up things and just tell me what I want to hear. I really value the truth. So, the truth and time are really important to me. Then finally, trust. Trust is another big one for me. If I cannot trust you, it is unlikely that I will be around you for any length of time. As I think about the boundaries that I've set in my life, those are the things that really come to mind for me. It may be a different list for you. But no matter what the list is, get clear on what those things are so that you can base your boundaries on those things.
[00:19:26] Understand that the boundaries are not necessarily to keep people out. Boundaries are a guideline for people to follow so they understand who they're dealing with, so they can make a sound decision…..whether they want to get in a relationship or a friendship with you. It's always good for people to know what they're getting into before they step into it. We want to give people the gift of telling them the truth of who we are and what we're about. Our boundaries tell a lot about who we are, what and who we value, and what the consequences will be if people don't respect us and value us based on aligning with our boundaries.
[00:20:02] I remember when I was a little kid, and I was first learning big words (in I think kindergarten). I was starting to use big words and starting to spell. When I wanted something, my mom would always say, “Use your words.” So instead of just pointing or nodding or shaking my head, she would encourage me to use my words. I didn't realize at the time, but that sentence is so profound. Use your words. That is one of the most important ways we can articulate to other people how we want to be treated and how we're feeling.
[00:20:40] Many times we don't want to use our words to express our boundaries because we're afraid of retaliation. We're afraid people won't like what we have to say, or won't like our boundaries, or will have something negative to say. We want to pleas, everybody.
We don't want to make waves. We don't want to say anything that might cause a confrontation. We don't want to address the challenges and the crises that may already be in the relationship, because we don't have any boundaries.
[00:21:07] Sometimes we just put our head down and just go along to get along, and people end up walking all over us, like a doormat. We end up experiencing situations where we're unhappy, where we are disrespected, where we are not loved in the way that we would like to be loved, where affection is not expressed in a way that we're willing to receive (or that feels good to us). Simply because we haven't mustered up the courage to just tell people what we want; to ask for what we want; to be direct.
[00:21:39] When you're talking about your boundaries, it's more of a discussion and not a lecture. You're simply expressing to one another what you want. You don't have to do all the talking in our relationship. By all means, take the time to just listen. Have a clear understanding so you can move forward together.
It's not to say that just because you have clear boundaries, it means that you're never going to have a conflict. There will be times where disagreements happen.
[00:22:06] But at least if you have some boundaries in place that are based on respect and trust, at a minimum, then any confrontation that you have, you have enough respect for each other to talk things through as mature individuals. If you both have the same goal of wanting to come to some type of compromise at the end, or at least some type of understanding, If a compromise isn't possible or isn't appropriate, then that's what boundaries are for….to help shepherd you and guide you through those kinds of conversations…especially as your relationship gets more complex, as you spend more time together, as your friendship grows deeper, or your relationship grows deeper.
[00:22:46] These boundaries are going to become more and more important and they may shift and change over time. Different levels of relationship may require different types of boundaries. You need to know yourself very well to figure out what are the boundaries that are going to help keep me safe, that are going to bring me peace and joy in my relationships with people. Then be consistent with expressing what those are, very clearly and specifically, to everyone involved in your life who needs to hear them.
[00:23:12] That was very helpful for me as a young person. Even though I didn't necessarily agree with every boundary that Mom had and as I became a teenager, I rebelled against some of those boundaries. In the end, when I became a full adult, I understood why those things were in place.
[00:23:28] Boundaries really provide a wonderful safety net in the workplace as well as in your private life. Especially during this pandemic time, the lines have been blurred. People may feel they have a right to know more about you simply because we're working from home and they can see literally inside your home when they're talking to you on Zoom or some other platform. If you don't want to talk about personal things, then just say that.
[00:23:52] Often times people are asking these kinds of questions because they don't know what else to say to break the ice. When a meeting starts, people want to have small talk. You can control what you share and what you don't share. And you certainly don't have to overshare and have your voice take up more space than anybody else in the Zoom meeting. So already know going in, what you're willing to share and what you're willing not to share. And feel free and empowered to speak up and say, “I'd rather not share that personal information with you.”
[00:24:19] For example, people may ask, “When's your birthday?” On the surface, that seems like a very innocent question. They just want to get to know you. You may not want to share that information with someone. You don't know what they're going to do with that information. You may feel uncomfortable sharing that, so you can simply say, “You know, I'd rather not say.” Or you might be willing to share the month and day. not the year.Or you might even take it more general and say, “Oh, I was born in the winter” and leave it there. And people just have to deal with it.
[00:24:46] There are very few pieces of private information that you absolutely have to share with a coworker. You choose the level of sharing that you want to do. You choose how you want to engage with people. When I'm in the workplace, I keep work and private life pretty separate. There are a few things in my private life that I will share with everyone, like my love for basketball and things of that nature. However, I may not necessarily share the specific illness that someone in my family is going through. I may not specifically share what I spend my money on.
[00:25:19] You have to decide how far in or how far out you're going to allow people inside your personal world. They may make you feel like they have a right to know all of your business because they're so nosy and they will drill you like an investigative reporter to get all the details of your life. Or they may go to your social media page and troll you to get all that kind of information (those are red flags that you'll have to deal with at some point).
[00:25:44] People who respect you will respect your boundaries. And those who don't may just need to be taught how to do so, because perhaps the way they were raised or in their life…maybe they bullied their way or charmed their way into getting their way.
[00:26:00] They're not used to someone who says, “No,” they're not used to having boundaries. It may take them a couple of times to get in the habit of respecting your boundaries.
[00:26:08] It's really crucial that we value ourselves enough to set boundaries up that will help us be successful; that will help us grow; that will bring us peace and joy and minimize the conflict between people because we know where each other stand. We know what each other's boundaries are, and we have a healthy respect for them.
[00:26:29] Each of us is unique. We think a certain way. We have certain feelings about different things that happen to us. We have different responses to the way that life presents itself in front of us. Boundaries just help us to discern where we end, and other people begin. So, we can maintain our own identity and not get wrapped up in the identity of other people. We don't plug in to one another's feelings and emotions, but instead we simply respect in a way that those that we care about understand that we aren't trying to take over their lives. We're not trying to be the boss of them. We really just want to be in a relationship of mutual respect and trust that has excellent communication. So, if there ever is a breakdown, and a confrontation that needs to be had, it can be done from a point of respect.
[00:27:20] Be able to stand your ground when people try to push against your boundaries. They will learn, over time (through your consistency of standing your ground and maintaining your boundaries) exactly how to treat you and what the consequences are if they don't. There has to be a consequence when people do not respect your boundaries. Demand that people give you the respect that you deserve. Again, boundaries aren't meant to keep people out. It's simply meant to make sure that people know how to treat you, at all times.
[00:27:50] That's it, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. This is the Black and Brave podcast. Take care.