As with many things in my life, former first lady Michelle Obama is a major influence. This episode is about my experience creating something that she feels is absolutely essential for success, a personal board of directors.
Personal Board of Directors - Episode 4
Marshea Pratt: [00:00:00] [00:00:00] Hello, everyone and welcome to the Black and Brave podcast. A podcast for those who want to be set free from the things that hold them back. My name is Marshea Pratt, and I am your host.
[00:00:18] In today's episode, I will be talking about my journey to create my personal board of directors: the criteria to select the people who ended up on my personal board of directors, what I hoped to get out of the experience, what I've learned along the way, and the benefits from having all of these wonderful people in my life. Hopefully, it will inspire you to create your own personal board of directors as well. Enjoy.
[00:00:46] When Michelle Obama was still in the White House. I remember watching a very interesting documentary about her and how she operates. She [00:01:00] discussed that it was absolutely pivotal in her life to have a personal board of directors. in that moment, I was thinking to myself, “If she can utilize a personal board of directors (in addition to her own knowledge, skills, and abilities) and reach the level of success that she's at now, I surely could learn something about creating my own personal board of directors and leveraging that for my own success.
[00:01:34] The first question I asked myself was, “What do I really want to get out of this experience of having my own personal board of directors?” “What does it look like?” “What are the outcomes that I want to see in my life as a result of having my inner circle designed in this specific way?”
[00:01:53] I felt like I was in a rut. I needed to make more than change. [00:02:00]. I needed to actually transform into a bigger, better version of myself. I definitely wanted to elevate my life. I felt like I was living a very mediocre life and I wanted to live a more extraordinary life. I was going through so many struggles at the time. I was dealing with various layers of emotions about different relationships….some that were working out well (and I wanted to continue) and other relationships that were a disaster (and I want it to end them). I felt like I needed to surround myself with people who had walked these roads before and come out the other side, stronger and more determined.
[00:02:42] I also wanted to get connected, deeply connected, with people who could open doors of opportunity for me, as well as challenge me to use the gifts that God gave me to step WAY out of my comfort zone. I was thinking, if I could surround [00:03:00] myself with the right people. I could go from living life at maybe 70%, to living life at 100% and just going for all the things that God had for me!
[00:03:11] Even though it might sound strange, I really wasn't focused on the things that I do really badly or the failures in my life. My focus was on what am I good at and how can I get from good to great, and how can these folks help me get there.
[00:03:31] Last but not least, I wanted to have more power and influence, in my personal life and in my professional life. I wanted to be connected with people who make power moves and shifts on a regular basis. One thing that I've learned in this life, is that real change and transformation take place when you leverage your power and influence. I didn't feel [00:04:00] like, at that time, I had a good harness on that. I knew that I had more power within me that I could tap into. I also felt like I had some influence in the workplace. And I really wanted to figure out a way to have more, so that I could make more impact.
[00:04:18] Once I was clear on what I wanted to get out of the experience, the next step for me was to prepare my heart, my mind, and my spirit for the journey. I began to pray and meditate specifically over the areas in which I wanted this personal board of directors to transform my life. I also was thinking about the people in my life currently. Who needed to stay and who needed to go in order for this process to work? As I mentioned earlier, I had some relationships in my life that were NOT healthy. I knew that if I was going to go from good to great, [00:05:00] I needed to end those relationships. I knew that was going to be challenging. I wanted to be strengthened spiritually for that piece of this journey.
[00:05:09] Through that process, a couple of key things came to mind. One was that I was going to have to be very transparent with this board of directors. I couldn't hold anything back. I needed to be completely open and vulnerable. I needed to be able to be my full, authentic self without feeling any judgment or feeling shame or embarrassment.
I didn't have anything to prove to them. I could share anything and everything that I wanted and feel a sense of comfort and peace in their presence. If I wasn't feeling that type of energy from them, I knew it wasn't going to be a good fit for me.
[00:05:55] Secondly, I also had to acknowledge and [00:06:00] accept that constructive criticism was going to be part of the process. I needed to have a willingness to be VERY humble. I wouldn't say that I had a big ego back then. However, I knew the level of humility that I needed to really receive the constructive criticism that was probably going to come my way.
The constructive criticism - it will be very honest and very real (if they're really doing their job).Of course, not everything your personal board of directors tells you to do is something that you may adopt. These are suggestions and steps and observations, and you choose what to do with that. Receive it with an open heart and an open mind. Listen to people who have been through some things. Make sure that's, you're open to that. Make sure that you aren't wasting these people's time, because the whole purpose is to be open and vulnerable with one another; to receive what they have to say and act upon it in the ways that can propel your life [00:07:00] forward.
[00:07:00] I had enough sense to know that what these people were going to be telling me wasn’t going to be necessarily what I wanted to hear all the time. It was, however, going to be what I needed to hear. I needed to be able to surrender my way of doing things and just be open to trying on new ways of thinking, and being, and moving in this world. I needed to hear, really listen, and receive that information. And then, once I got it, be able to fully digest it, process it, and then act upon it.
[00:07:42] As I mentioned in an earlier episode, I did have challenges with Imposter Syndrome. I needed to make sure that I was surrendered to this process in a way that perfection was not the goal; only progress was the goal. [00:08:00] I had to also accept that I'm worthy of this help; that I'm worthy of having my own personal board of directors; and, that this was a step in the right direction for me to become everything that I'm meant to be.
[00:08:14] I also knew and accepted that these people we're not magicians. They we're not mind readers. They weren't going to just pull gifts and skills and abilities out of the air and sprinkle some fairy dust over me, and then “boom”, I was going to become extraordinary. All they were going to do was reveal the gifts that were inside of me and helped me to manifest those at a high level.
[00:08:41] When I think about my selection criteria, I needed to be crystal clear on the commitment that I was asking these folks to make. I needed to be very clear about what I wanted and what I didn't want from them and what I wanted to get out of the experience. [00:09:00] I realized early on that there is a difference between someone being your coach vs. someone being your mentor vs. someone being on your personal board of directors. So, let me clarify the differences between those in my mind.
[00:09:17] A “coach” is typically paid for the role that they play in your life. It's usually during a particular season that you're preparing for a particular task. If you're an athlete or you are preparing for the National Spelling Bee (things like that), you have a specific “coach” who is zeroing in on a specific activity, for a specific period of time, and they're getting paid for that work. Since I wasn't going to be paying these people, it wasn't about a business or transactional relationship in that way. [00:10:00] I wasn't going to be soliciting coaching. They were all going to be in a volunteer role.
[00:10:04] Mentoring, for me, was really more of an extension of what a parent would do. The “mentor” is taking skills and abilities that they possess, and they are transferring those skills to you. I'm fine with having a stranger as a mentor (i.e. in the workplace, walking me through what steps that are needed within the current system I’m in. We don't have a close enough relationship where I would tell my deepest, darkest secrets. We ARE close enough for me to trust this person to give me good career strategic advice. I wasn't necessarily counting on anyone on my personal board of directors to hand that to me. It was more about tapping into what I already possessed.[00:11:00] and leveraging and managing that.
[00:11:01] My personal board of directors were people who weren't steering the car of my life, if you will. What they were really saying is, “You are already a well-oiled machine. You just need to know how to drive down the street in a way that's effective, so that you can be the baddest thing on the track.
[00:11:20] For my personal board of directors, I wanted to make sure that all of these people were my close friends. I didn't want to have a stranger come into my inner circle. I needed people who were really my close friends, who have known me for a long time who I could reveal my deepest, darkest secrets too. My “mentors” in my life, at that time, we’re NOT those folks.
[00:11:51] I really wanted my personal board of directors to truly be my inner circle. People who knew me at my core. [00:12:00] People who have been through enough tough situations around me that I didn't have to do a lot of explaining. People who would tell me the truth-unfiltered and uncut. That's how I learn and grow- when people just tell it to me straight.
You don't have to yell or scream or curse at me, for me to really listen to you. In fact, I'm going to listen a lot more if you don't do any of those things. These needed to be people who have demonstrated that I can trust them. People who respect my privacy and my boundaries. People who aren't going to tell my business. People who share my values. People who are not afraid to make mistakes and they're not afraid to fail. People who want to support and encourage me! Those were the people I wanted for my personal board of directors. If they didn't have all of those qualities, they were NOT in the running to be on my board. At the end of the day, when I think about those [00:13:00] who truly care for me and want to see me when; and are willing to sacrifice their time and talent AND share their testimony with me (and vice versa). These were the people I knew would be the perfect matches for my personal board of directors.
[00:13:19] I want to take a quick pause here to give a few quick, thank yous out to the people who make this podcast possible. DJ My Cousin Vinny, my music producer; Lamar Gibbs, my Graphic Designer; Chinwe Ohanele from Ohanele Law Firm, my Attorney; MAJ Graphics, my Marketing and Social Media team. I'd also like to thank Descript for producing such a wonderful podcast editing tool. And, Simplecast for making it easy for me to upload my podcast for all the world to hear. Now, back to the rest of our episode.
[00:13:54] Once I made a list of those people who met that criteria, then [00:14:00] I started thinking about the specific areas where I needed help. I discovered eight areas. For you, it may be more, it may be less. For me, it was eight areas. Number one was parenting. I was in a blended family. It was really a struggle for my child to have two different sets of parents and move back and forth between two homes. It was really a lot emotionally, for her and for me. I had to learn how to navigate that blended family space. It was very complex and challenging.
[00:14:35] Number two was learning how to tap into the gifts I already possessed and manifesting not only the natural gifts that I had (but also the spiritual gifts).
[00:14:46] Third was managing fear. I don't really believe in overcoming fear. I don't know. That's not really my mindset about it because I feel like a certain amount of fear is healthy to have. It's [00:15:00] almost like, a signal in your life. It's like a guidepost in certain situations. So, I didn't want to totally eliminate fear. But I wanted to learn how to manage it better.
[00:15:08] The fourth area was injecting more fun and excitement in my life. I had been through so many difficult experiences. It was hard to figure out how to have fun, how to relax, how to just “be” and enjoy life. It was very hard for me because I felt like I was just fighting all the time.
As you've heard in earlier episodes, I always felt like I was fighting. Fighting to prove something. Fighting for my rights to do things. Fighting for people to see me for who I really was. I was just in a struggle all the time. And it was really hard to take a step back from that and just enjoy the ride of life. I just didn't understand how to operationalize that. So, I wanted to learn how to inject more fun and excitement in my life.
[00:15:56] Next, I wanted to learn [00:16:00] how to take risks in a strategic way. I feel like when I took risk, it was either a very minimal risk with no consequence OR was a huge risk without any real thought. I wanted to make sure I was more strategic in the risk taking that I was doing so that it had a purpose I wanted to be strategic in every risk that I took in my life going forward.
[00:16:22] I also wanted to learn to say “yes” to myself more often and to stop saying “no.” As I mentioned in an earlier episode, I wanted to apply to certain colleges. I let Imposter Syndrome and other things prevent me from doing that. So, rather than applying to all the colleges I wanted to and letting them decide if they wanted me as a student or not.
[00:16:44] I just made a decision upfront. Okay. I'm only going to apply to these certain colleges that I absolutely know that I can get in (or that I think I can get in). I wanted to stop doing that and just stop saying “no” and closing doors of opportunity I wanted to go [00:17:00] for everything. Everything I was eligible for, everything that made sense for me to go for….I wanted to do, and then just let the consequences happen.
[00:17:07] I also wanted to define better boundaries in my life. I had to remove some toxic people, break off toxic relationships. And, I just didn't really know how. I was kind of afraid to do it because I was so comfortable with certain people in my life. And, [00:17:31] there were certain people in life that we're just bringing me down, filling my life with a lot of unnecessary drama and stress. I knew I needed to end those relationships. I just needed to talk that through with someone because ending relationships is really hard. It can be painful, and I was already going through a lot emotionally.
Did I want to add another layer of pain on top? No.
[00:18:00] But was my life ever going to get better with these people in it? No. Something had to change. So, those were the key areas where I felt like this personal board of directors could have the most impact on me.
[00:18:14] At this point, I have an Excel sheet with:
[00:18:37] Then it came time to “ask” them. I wanted to make sure that the ask that I was giving them was crystal clear.
There were several “asks” within the big ask. Of course, the big ask was,
“I would be honored to have you on my personal board of directors. Would you be willing to serve?”
That was the big [00:19:00] ask.
[00:19:00] Here were the other questions that I asked before I asked the big question.
1. Are you willing to give me constructive criticism…..even if it's something that would be hard for me to hear….. even if it's something that might hurt my feelings at the time (but it’s constructive and for my good)?
2. [00:19:23] Will the intention of your heart (in the way that you speak with me and the way that we interact) always be done with a base of love?
3. [00:19:33] Do you agree to keep everything that I tell you confidential and not tell anyone else? Not even another person on my personal board of directors (unless you feel like I'm going to harm myself or someone else or I'm in some type of danger)?
4. [00:19:48] Next, do you agree to care for me, but not carry me? But not carry me. What I mean by that is…..people are willing to [00:20:00] empathize and to have some understanding and compassion towards me. However, they weren't going to plug into my emotions and become an enabler, a co-dependent or anything like that.
5. [00:20:11] Then finally, will they be consistent (in their connection to me in our interactions with each other)? Are they willing to be fully transparent and open with me as I will be with them?
[00:20:24] I wanted to let them know first and foremost, that this was a volunteer role, and that I’m asking because I need their help. I wasn't expecting them to fix me. I wasn't expecting them to give me professional counseling. I wasn't looking for someone to coach me in a paid capacity to teach me a particular skill. I wasn't asking them to be an extension of a parent. I wasn't asking them to provide sponsorship in the workplace. I was simply asking for my very closest friends, whom [00:21:00 I trusted very deeply and respected (and we're further along in life than I was at the time), to help me go from good to great.
I wanted them to understand that I was going to have the mindset of a learner; that I was going to value and respect everything they had to say to me. Even if it meant that I didn't agree, even if it meant that I might shed a few tears. Progress typically doesn't happen without some kind of challenge along the way. I was willing to be bold and asking them for what I wanted and what I needed from them.
I’m not just let life happen to me. I was willing to take the reins of it; utilize this personal board of directors to be the best “me” that I could be and not compare myself to other people. I wanted them to be a part of helping to shape how my life was going to roll out. I [00:22:00] felt like they were equipped to help me go from good to great.
[00:22:03] There isn't a set number of people that I was thinking of for this personal board of directors. Even though I had eight areas of my life, you would think, “Okay. I'm going to pick eight people.” It didn't quite work out that way. I had ten at that time because it was a heavy lift in certain areas. I needed two people to help me; and so that's how I ended up with 10 initially.
[00:22:27] I actually have 12 people on my board of directors now. The additional two people were added a couple of years ago, when I started having challenges with processing grief. It was getting to the point where I felt like I definitely needed a couple of people who had specific experience with the exact type of grief or as close to it that I was experiencing. That's why I have 12 people.
[00:22:55] Some of the challenges, they were difficult to experience at [00:23:00] first. I got humbled REALLY quickly. I went into this thinking, “Okay. Yes, I have these issues, but you know, I GOT THIS! They're not going to have a lot of constructive criticism for me.”
I discovered that I had tunnel vision on a lot of things. There was more for me to learn in terms of my anger management. I was closing a lot of doors of opportunity for myself. I was being misunderstood in some of the ways that I was trying to communicate with people.
[00:23:29] I needed to forgive a lot of people who had hurt me. I had not really completely forgiven people. I had just pushed those memories to the side and not really gone through the process of forgiveness. That was one of the big takeaways that I got from this personal board of directors….Taking that very frustrating and scary and difficult journey of forgiveness.
[00:24:00] Perhaps in a later episode, I will break down that whole forgiveness journey because it was very hard AND it was very liberating.
[00:24:08] For me to even ask someone, to engage with me, like this, was tough! I'm putting myself out there.
I'm not just going to let life happen to me. I'm going to ask for the things that I want and the things that I need. Having a personal board of directors has been critical to me for my success, in my professional life as well as in my personal life.
[00:24:28] I'm so excited and happy that I went forward with the idea to create this board. It has just been so rewarding for me in every way. These 12 people have been absolutely pivotal and I've learned so much from each and every one of them. I continue to learn from them.
[00:24:47] Many times when I felt like life was not worth living, this board of directors picked me up and kept me from giving up. When I would go off [00:25:00] the rails and I wouldn't be on track with my goals or my dreams, they would always bring me back to center. They've taught me, little by little, how to have more fun and excitement in my life and not feel embarrassed or ashamed about taking up time for me. I've learned to laugh a lot more; to be goofy at times. Have you ever been having so much fun that you're crying at the same time that you're laughing (and maybe you're even snorting too, because it's just so funny)?
I've had some really wonderful times like that with this board (individually and collectively). I've learned to make more time for me. It's not selfish to take care of myself; to make myself a priority (a TOP priority) in everything that I do. And, that if I just stay focused on taking good care of me, I can take good care of everything else in my life.
[00:25:55] The foundation of all my friendships with these [00:26:00] people have grown deeper and wider over the years. It's just been a wonderful experience from top to bottom.
[00:26:07] Not everybody's personal board of directors needs to be full of people. It could be just one person or two people who you start with and that's okay. If you have a hard time trusting people, perhaps you just start with a professional counselor who you can share things with, in a confidential manner. This is a role that is really a serious one. This is somebody who is going to commit to tell you the truth (always); to give you that constructive criticism when you need it. That can be tough! That can strain a friendship.
Before you ask someone, make sure that your foundation is strong. And, when you put forward that “ask”, it needs to be in a way that's very clear you're going to be having these very vulnerable conversations with folks. You want to make sure that you're revealing yourself to people you can trust; and, also that will tell you the truth[00:27:00](and be supportive and encouraging of you), even if the truth they have to tell you is. Tough to hear.
[00:27:06] So, what will you do?
[00:27:09] Are you ready to go from good to great? Or maybe you're already great and you want to go to extraordinary? I really encourage you to think about putting together your own personal board of directors, even if it's just one or two people. This life was meant for us to do together. What better way to make your life even more fulfilling and fun, purposeful and impactful? Then to have people who are in your corner, cheering you on, giving you that constructive criticism, helping you to maximize the gifts that are already within you.
[00:27:45] Take advantage of that opportunity. If you don't have those people in your life right now, look around you and see who might be available. Again, you don't have to have 12 people like [00:28:00] I do. You could start with just one person. One person who truly believes in you and wants to see you win.
[00:28:07] I look forward to hearing stories about who's on your personal board of directors.
@blackandbravepodcast on Facebook and Instagram.
@_BlackAndBrave on Twitter.
[00:28:19] As we close this episode, I will leave you with one more quote, to add to your vision board. And that is:
We lift as we climb.
Thanks so much everyone for listening. I really value each and every one of you and your comments that you shared with me on social media and other places about how much this podcast is really helping you in your life. And, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be part of your life journey
[00:28:49] That’s it everyone.
[00:28:51] Thank you so much for listening. This is The Black and Brave Podcast. Take care.
Personal Board of Directors - Episode 4
Marshea Pratt: [00:00:00] [00:00:00] Hello, everyone and welcome to the Black and Brave podcast. A podcast for those who want to be set free from the things that hold them back. My name is Marshea Pratt, and I am your host.
[00:00:18] In today's episode, I will be talking about my journey to create my personal board of directors: the criteria to select the people who ended up on my personal board of directors, what I hoped to get out of the experience, what I've learned along the way, and the benefits from having all of these wonderful people in my life. Hopefully, it will inspire you to create your own personal board of directors as well. Enjoy.
[00:00:46] When Michelle Obama was still in the White House. I remember watching a very interesting documentary about her and how she operates. She [00:01:00] discussed that it was absolutely pivotal in her life to have a personal board of directors. in that moment, I was thinking to myself, “If she can utilize a personal board of directors (in addition to her own knowledge, skills, and abilities) and reach the level of success that she's at now, I surely could learn something about creating my own personal board of directors and leveraging that for my own success.
[00:01:34] The first question I asked myself was, “What do I really want to get out of this experience of having my own personal board of directors?” “What does it look like?” “What are the outcomes that I want to see in my life as a result of having my inner circle designed in this specific way?”
[00:01:53] I felt like I was in a rut. I needed to make more than change. [00:02:00]. I needed to actually transform into a bigger, better version of myself. I definitely wanted to elevate my life. I felt like I was living a very mediocre life and I wanted to live a more extraordinary life. I was going through so many struggles at the time. I was dealing with various layers of emotions about different relationships….some that were working out well (and I wanted to continue) and other relationships that were a disaster (and I want it to end them). I felt like I needed to surround myself with people who had walked these roads before and come out the other side, stronger and more determined.
[00:02:42] I also wanted to get connected, deeply connected, with people who could open doors of opportunity for me, as well as challenge me to use the gifts that God gave me to step WAY out of my comfort zone. I was thinking, if I could surround [00:03:00] myself with the right people. I could go from living life at maybe 70%, to living life at 100% and just going for all the things that God had for me!
[00:03:11] Even though it might sound strange, I really wasn't focused on the things that I do really badly or the failures in my life. My focus was on what am I good at and how can I get from good to great, and how can these folks help me get there.
[00:03:31] Last but not least, I wanted to have more power and influence, in my personal life and in my professional life. I wanted to be connected with people who make power moves and shifts on a regular basis. One thing that I've learned in this life, is that real change and transformation take place when you leverage your power and influence. I didn't feel [00:04:00] like, at that time, I had a good harness on that. I knew that I had more power within me that I could tap into. I also felt like I had some influence in the workplace. And I really wanted to figure out a way to have more, so that I could make more impact.
[00:04:18] Once I was clear on what I wanted to get out of the experience, the next step for me was to prepare my heart, my mind, and my spirit for the journey. I began to pray and meditate specifically over the areas in which I wanted this personal board of directors to transform my life. I also was thinking about the people in my life currently. Who needed to stay and who needed to go in order for this process to work? As I mentioned earlier, I had some relationships in my life that were NOT healthy. I knew that if I was going to go from good to great, [00:05:00] I needed to end those relationships. I knew that was going to be challenging. I wanted to be strengthened spiritually for that piece of this journey.
[00:05:09] Through that process, a couple of key things came to mind. One was that I was going to have to be very transparent with this board of directors. I couldn't hold anything back. I needed to be completely open and vulnerable. I needed to be able to be my full, authentic self without feeling any judgment or feeling shame or embarrassment.
I didn't have anything to prove to them. I could share anything and everything that I wanted and feel a sense of comfort and peace in their presence. If I wasn't feeling that type of energy from them, I knew it wasn't going to be a good fit for me.
[00:05:55] Secondly, I also had to acknowledge and [00:06:00] accept that constructive criticism was going to be part of the process. I needed to have a willingness to be VERY humble. I wouldn't say that I had a big ego back then. However, I knew the level of humility that I needed to really receive the constructive criticism that was probably going to come my way.
The constructive criticism - it will be very honest and very real (if they're really doing their job).Of course, not everything your personal board of directors tells you to do is something that you may adopt. These are suggestions and steps and observations, and you choose what to do with that. Receive it with an open heart and an open mind. Listen to people who have been through some things. Make sure that's, you're open to that. Make sure that you aren't wasting these people's time, because the whole purpose is to be open and vulnerable with one another; to receive what they have to say and act upon it in the ways that can propel your life [00:07:00] forward.
[00:07:00] I had enough sense to know that what these people were going to be telling me wasn’t going to be necessarily what I wanted to hear all the time. It was, however, going to be what I needed to hear. I needed to be able to surrender my way of doing things and just be open to trying on new ways of thinking, and being, and moving in this world. I needed to hear, really listen, and receive that information. And then, once I got it, be able to fully digest it, process it, and then act upon it.
[00:07:42] As I mentioned in an earlier episode, I did have challenges with Imposter Syndrome. I needed to make sure that I was surrendered to this process in a way that perfection was not the goal; only progress was the goal. [00:08:00] I had to also accept that I'm worthy of this help; that I'm worthy of having my own personal board of directors; and, that this was a step in the right direction for me to become everything that I'm meant to be.
[00:08:14] I also knew and accepted that these people we're not magicians. They we're not mind readers. They weren't going to just pull gifts and skills and abilities out of the air and sprinkle some fairy dust over me, and then “boom”, I was going to become extraordinary. All they were going to do was reveal the gifts that were inside of me and helped me to manifest those at a high level.
[00:08:41] When I think about my selection criteria, I needed to be crystal clear on the commitment that I was asking these folks to make. I needed to be very clear about what I wanted and what I didn't want from them and what I wanted to get out of the experience. [00:09:00] I realized early on that there is a difference between someone being your coach vs. someone being your mentor vs. someone being on your personal board of directors. So, let me clarify the differences between those in my mind.
[00:09:17] A “coach” is typically paid for the role that they play in your life. It's usually during a particular season that you're preparing for a particular task. If you're an athlete or you are preparing for the National Spelling Bee (things like that), you have a specific “coach” who is zeroing in on a specific activity, for a specific period of time, and they're getting paid for that work. Since I wasn't going to be paying these people, it wasn't about a business or transactional relationship in that way. [00:10:00] I wasn't going to be soliciting coaching. They were all going to be in a volunteer role.
[00:10:04] Mentoring, for me, was really more of an extension of what a parent would do. The “mentor” is taking skills and abilities that they possess, and they are transferring those skills to you. I'm fine with having a stranger as a mentor (i.e. in the workplace, walking me through what steps that are needed within the current system I’m in. We don't have a close enough relationship where I would tell my deepest, darkest secrets. We ARE close enough for me to trust this person to give me good career strategic advice. I wasn't necessarily counting on anyone on my personal board of directors to hand that to me. It was more about tapping into what I already possessed.[00:11:00] and leveraging and managing that.
[00:11:01] My personal board of directors were people who weren't steering the car of my life, if you will. What they were really saying is, “You are already a well-oiled machine. You just need to know how to drive down the street in a way that's effective, so that you can be the baddest thing on the track.
[00:11:20] For my personal board of directors, I wanted to make sure that all of these people were my close friends. I didn't want to have a stranger come into my inner circle. I needed people who were really my close friends, who have known me for a long time who I could reveal my deepest, darkest secrets too. My “mentors” in my life, at that time, we’re NOT those folks.
[00:11:51] I really wanted my personal board of directors to truly be my inner circle. People who knew me at my core. [00:12:00] People who have been through enough tough situations around me that I didn't have to do a lot of explaining. People who would tell me the truth-unfiltered and uncut. That's how I learn and grow- when people just tell it to me straight.
You don't have to yell or scream or curse at me, for me to really listen to you. In fact, I'm going to listen a lot more if you don't do any of those things. These needed to be people who have demonstrated that I can trust them. People who respect my privacy and my boundaries. People who aren't going to tell my business. People who share my values. People who are not afraid to make mistakes and they're not afraid to fail. People who want to support and encourage me! Those were the people I wanted for my personal board of directors. If they didn't have all of those qualities, they were NOT in the running to be on my board. At the end of the day, when I think about those [00:13:00] who truly care for me and want to see me when; and are willing to sacrifice their time and talent AND share their testimony with me (and vice versa). These were the people I knew would be the perfect matches for my personal board of directors.
[00:13:19] I want to take a quick pause here to give a few quick, thank yous out to the people who make this podcast possible. DJ My Cousin Vinny, my music producer; Lamar Gibbs, my Graphic Designer; Chinwe Ohanele from Ohanele Law Firm, my Attorney; MAJ Graphics, my Marketing and Social Media team. I'd also like to thank Descript for producing such a wonderful podcast editing tool. And, Simplecast for making it easy for me to upload my podcast for all the world to hear. Now, back to the rest of our episode.
[00:13:54] Once I made a list of those people who met that criteria, then [00:14:00] I started thinking about the specific areas where I needed help. I discovered eight areas. For you, it may be more, it may be less. For me, it was eight areas. Number one was parenting. I was in a blended family. It was really a struggle for my child to have two different sets of parents and move back and forth between two homes. It was really a lot emotionally, for her and for me. I had to learn how to navigate that blended family space. It was very complex and challenging.
[00:14:35] Number two was learning how to tap into the gifts I already possessed and manifesting not only the natural gifts that I had (but also the spiritual gifts).
[00:14:46] Third was managing fear. I don't really believe in overcoming fear. I don't know. That's not really my mindset about it because I feel like a certain amount of fear is healthy to have. It's [00:15:00] almost like, a signal in your life. It's like a guidepost in certain situations. So, I didn't want to totally eliminate fear. But I wanted to learn how to manage it better.
[00:15:08] The fourth area was injecting more fun and excitement in my life. I had been through so many difficult experiences. It was hard to figure out how to have fun, how to relax, how to just “be” and enjoy life. It was very hard for me because I felt like I was just fighting all the time.
As you've heard in earlier episodes, I always felt like I was fighting. Fighting to prove something. Fighting for my rights to do things. Fighting for people to see me for who I really was. I was just in a struggle all the time. And it was really hard to take a step back from that and just enjoy the ride of life. I just didn't understand how to operationalize that. So, I wanted to learn how to inject more fun and excitement in my life.
[00:15:56] Next, I wanted to learn [00:16:00] how to take risks in a strategic way. I feel like when I took risk, it was either a very minimal risk with no consequence OR was a huge risk without any real thought. I wanted to make sure I was more strategic in the risk taking that I was doing so that it had a purpose I wanted to be strategic in every risk that I took in my life going forward.
[00:16:22] I also wanted to learn to say “yes” to myself more often and to stop saying “no.” As I mentioned in an earlier episode, I wanted to apply to certain colleges. I let Imposter Syndrome and other things prevent me from doing that. So, rather than applying to all the colleges I wanted to and letting them decide if they wanted me as a student or not.
[00:16:44] I just made a decision upfront. Okay. I'm only going to apply to these certain colleges that I absolutely know that I can get in (or that I think I can get in). I wanted to stop doing that and just stop saying “no” and closing doors of opportunity I wanted to go [00:17:00] for everything. Everything I was eligible for, everything that made sense for me to go for….I wanted to do, and then just let the consequences happen.
[00:17:07] I also wanted to define better boundaries in my life. I had to remove some toxic people, break off toxic relationships. And, I just didn't really know how. I was kind of afraid to do it because I was so comfortable with certain people in my life. And, [00:17:31] there were certain people in life that we're just bringing me down, filling my life with a lot of unnecessary drama and stress. I knew I needed to end those relationships. I just needed to talk that through with someone because ending relationships is really hard. It can be painful, and I was already going through a lot emotionally.
Did I want to add another layer of pain on top? No.
[00:18:00] But was my life ever going to get better with these people in it? No. Something had to change. So, those were the key areas where I felt like this personal board of directors could have the most impact on me.
[00:18:14] At this point, I have an Excel sheet with:
[00:18:37] Then it came time to “ask” them. I wanted to make sure that the ask that I was giving them was crystal clear.
There were several “asks” within the big ask. Of course, the big ask was,
“I would be honored to have you on my personal board of directors. Would you be willing to serve?”
That was the big [00:19:00] ask.
[00:19:00] Here were the other questions that I asked before I asked the big question.
1. Are you willing to give me constructive criticism…..even if it's something that would be hard for me to hear….. even if it's something that might hurt my feelings at the time (but it’s constructive and for my good)?
2. [00:19:23] Will the intention of your heart (in the way that you speak with me and the way that we interact) always be done with a base of love?
3. [00:19:33] Do you agree to keep everything that I tell you confidential and not tell anyone else? Not even another person on my personal board of directors (unless you feel like I'm going to harm myself or someone else or I'm in some type of danger)?
4. [00:19:48] Next, do you agree to care for me, but not carry me? But not carry me. What I mean by that is…..people are willing to [00:20:00] empathize and to have some understanding and compassion towards me. However, they weren't going to plug into my emotions and become an enabler, a co-dependent or anything like that.
5. [00:20:11] Then finally, will they be consistent (in their connection to me in our interactions with each other)? Are they willing to be fully transparent and open with me as I will be with them?
[00:20:24] I wanted to let them know first and foremost, that this was a volunteer role, and that I’m asking because I need their help. I wasn't expecting them to fix me. I wasn't expecting them to give me professional counseling. I wasn't looking for someone to coach me in a paid capacity to teach me a particular skill. I wasn't asking them to be an extension of a parent. I wasn't asking them to provide sponsorship in the workplace. I was simply asking for my very closest friends, whom [00:21:00 I trusted very deeply and respected (and we're further along in life than I was at the time), to help me go from good to great.
I wanted them to understand that I was going to have the mindset of a learner; that I was going to value and respect everything they had to say to me. Even if it meant that I didn't agree, even if it meant that I might shed a few tears. Progress typically doesn't happen without some kind of challenge along the way. I was willing to be bold and asking them for what I wanted and what I needed from them.
I’m not just let life happen to me. I was willing to take the reins of it; utilize this personal board of directors to be the best “me” that I could be and not compare myself to other people. I wanted them to be a part of helping to shape how my life was going to roll out. I [00:22:00] felt like they were equipped to help me go from good to great.
[00:22:03] There isn't a set number of people that I was thinking of for this personal board of directors. Even though I had eight areas of my life, you would think, “Okay. I'm going to pick eight people.” It didn't quite work out that way. I had ten at that time because it was a heavy lift in certain areas. I needed two people to help me; and so that's how I ended up with 10 initially.
[00:22:27] I actually have 12 people on my board of directors now. The additional two people were added a couple of years ago, when I started having challenges with processing grief. It was getting to the point where I felt like I definitely needed a couple of people who had specific experience with the exact type of grief or as close to it that I was experiencing. That's why I have 12 people.
[00:22:55] Some of the challenges, they were difficult to experience at [00:23:00] first. I got humbled REALLY quickly. I went into this thinking, “Okay. Yes, I have these issues, but you know, I GOT THIS! They're not going to have a lot of constructive criticism for me.”
I discovered that I had tunnel vision on a lot of things. There was more for me to learn in terms of my anger management. I was closing a lot of doors of opportunity for myself. I was being misunderstood in some of the ways that I was trying to communicate with people.
[00:23:29] I needed to forgive a lot of people who had hurt me. I had not really completely forgiven people. I had just pushed those memories to the side and not really gone through the process of forgiveness. That was one of the big takeaways that I got from this personal board of directors….Taking that very frustrating and scary and difficult journey of forgiveness.
[00:24:00] Perhaps in a later episode, I will break down that whole forgiveness journey because it was very hard AND it was very liberating.
[00:24:08] For me to even ask someone, to engage with me, like this, was tough! I'm putting myself out there.
I'm not just going to let life happen to me. I'm going to ask for the things that I want and the things that I need. Having a personal board of directors has been critical to me for my success, in my professional life as well as in my personal life.
[00:24:28] I'm so excited and happy that I went forward with the idea to create this board. It has just been so rewarding for me in every way. These 12 people have been absolutely pivotal and I've learned so much from each and every one of them. I continue to learn from them.
[00:24:47] Many times when I felt like life was not worth living, this board of directors picked me up and kept me from giving up. When I would go off [00:25:00] the rails and I wouldn't be on track with my goals or my dreams, they would always bring me back to center. They've taught me, little by little, how to have more fun and excitement in my life and not feel embarrassed or ashamed about taking up time for me. I've learned to laugh a lot more; to be goofy at times. Have you ever been having so much fun that you're crying at the same time that you're laughing (and maybe you're even snorting too, because it's just so funny)?
I've had some really wonderful times like that with this board (individually and collectively). I've learned to make more time for me. It's not selfish to take care of myself; to make myself a priority (a TOP priority) in everything that I do. And, that if I just stay focused on taking good care of me, I can take good care of everything else in my life.
[00:25:55] The foundation of all my friendships with these [00:26:00] people have grown deeper and wider over the years. It's just been a wonderful experience from top to bottom.
[00:26:07] Not everybody's personal board of directors needs to be full of people. It could be just one person or two people who you start with and that's okay. If you have a hard time trusting people, perhaps you just start with a professional counselor who you can share things with, in a confidential manner. This is a role that is really a serious one. This is somebody who is going to commit to tell you the truth (always); to give you that constructive criticism when you need it. That can be tough! That can strain a friendship.
Before you ask someone, make sure that your foundation is strong. And, when you put forward that “ask”, it needs to be in a way that's very clear you're going to be having these very vulnerable conversations with folks. You want to make sure that you're revealing yourself to people you can trust; and, also that will tell you the truth[00:27:00](and be supportive and encouraging of you), even if the truth they have to tell you is. Tough to hear.
[00:27:06] So, what will you do?
[00:27:09] Are you ready to go from good to great? Or maybe you're already great and you want to go to extraordinary? I really encourage you to think about putting together your own personal board of directors, even if it's just one or two people. This life was meant for us to do together. What better way to make your life even more fulfilling and fun, purposeful and impactful? Then to have people who are in your corner, cheering you on, giving you that constructive criticism, helping you to maximize the gifts that are already within you.
[00:27:45] Take advantage of that opportunity. If you don't have those people in your life right now, look around you and see who might be available. Again, you don't have to have 12 people like [00:28:00] I do. You could start with just one person. One person who truly believes in you and wants to see you win.
[00:28:07] I look forward to hearing stories about who's on your personal board of directors.
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[00:28:19] As we close this episode, I will leave you with one more quote, to add to your vision board. And that is:
We lift as we climb.
Thanks so much everyone for listening. I really value each and every one of you and your comments that you shared with me on social media and other places about how much this podcast is really helping you in your life. And, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to be part of your life journey
[00:28:49] That’s it everyone.
[00:28:51] Thank you so much for listening. This is The Black and Brave Podcast. Take care.
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