One of the biggest fights of my life was within my own mind. Learn about my battle with Imposter Syndrome and what it took to finally defeat it.
Imposter Syndrome
Today's episode focuses on my battle with Imposter Syndrome. To be clear, I'm not talking about the occasional thoughts of self-doubt or nervousness before you sing karaoke or you're wearing a new outfit and you don't know what people are going to say. Imposter Syndrome is something much deeper, that affects you more frequently, and is consistently debilitating. It's a cycle where you get in situations where you feel like, no matter what success you've had in the past, no matter what qualifications and skills you possess, that you're just not good enough. I wanted to share the different patterns that come up when you're suffering from Imposter Syndrome. And, give some examples out of my life, of how those patterns have shown up and how I've been able to combat those thoughts and feelings that go along with each of those patterns.
Imposter Syndrome
Marshea Pratt: [00:00:00] [00:00:00] Hello everyone. Welcome to the Black and Brave podcast -A podcast for those who want to be set free from the things that hold them back. My name is Marshea Pratt and today's episode focuses on my battle with Imposter Syndrome.
[00:00:21] To be clear, I'm not talking about the occasional thoughts of self-doubt or nervousness before you sing karaoke or you're wearing a new outfit and you don't know what people are going to say. Imposter Syndrome is something much deeper, that affects you more frequently, and is consistently debilitating. It's a cycle where you get in situations where you feel like, no matter what success you've had in the past, no matter what qualifications and skills you possess, that you're just not good enough. I wanted to share the different patterns [00:01:00] that come up when you're suffering from Imposter Syndrome. And, give some examples out of my life, of how those patterns have shown up and how I've been able to combat those thoughts and feelings that go along with each of those patterns.
[00:01:15] Author Valerie Young, talks about different patterns in people who experience imposter type feelings. The first one, she calls the "Soloist,” someone who has to do everything by themselves. I can definitely connect with this because I am an only child and I am very self-reliant. It took me years to realize that asking for help was okay and not a sign of weakness. When you're young, you are praised for doing things on your own, right? Tying your shoes, yourself, putting on your own clothes, making your own meal. All those things are praised. I get praised for doing things by myself. And so that’s what I need to do all the time. I don't need to seek help from anybody.[00:02:00] Being independent, in my mind at the time, meant not relying on anyone or anything to get things done. Being a "Soloist" was something that I definitely embodied. Most of my life, most of the hours of my day were spent alone. I was just used to doing everything myself. So, when I got in situations where I had to rely on other people, I did not do well. It made me uncomfortable.
[00:02:23] The second area is being a superwoman or Superman. I was definitely one who wanted to wear the cape and have the "S" on my chest and be the "champion" in the situation. A lot of that has to do with the fact that, even when I didn't want to be the leader on a committee or on a team, I always ended up being the leader. In my own head, I generalized that to think, okay, If people are always putting me in this leader position I have to know everything I have to make sure that no matter what the situation is, I have an answer. Which leads me to the third area of being an [00:03:00] "Expert."
[00:03:00] Experts need to have every piece of information before making a decision. This is probably the hardest one for me. Not only as a student, but as a working professional, there are times when decisions just need to be made. I was so worried about making the wrong decision, I would get behind on my work. Or I would procrastinate on things. It was definitely difficult for me to just accept the fact that I may not get every piece of information.
[00:03:30] The fourth area is being a "Perfectionist." If I was getting a grade on a test and it turned out to be a 98%, I would be obsessed over the other 2%. If I had a YouTube channel and I had a thousand likes, and then I had three thumbs down, I would be obsessing over what I did wrong to make those three people "not like" my video. That perfectionism was just what I felt I had to do. It was almost like a coping mechanism to deal with [00:04:00] the negativity around me, of people who always accuse me of being inadequate. I thought my way to come back, was to try to be perfect.
[00:04:08] The fifth and final area is focused on being a “natural genius.” It means when a person feels like they have to struggle or work really hard to accomplish something. And, if it comes easy to them, then they're a fraud and they didn't really earn it or, they aren't really, as smart as their accomplishments would reflect.
[00:04:29] I've seen this play out with a lot of students who I have mentored over the years. If they're in the classroom and the teacher asks a really difficult question and the answer comes to them right away, they are very reluctant to raise their hand because they're terrified that they don't have the right answer. Because other people in the class don't have their hands up, they freak out and think, "Oh no, maybe I'm wrong." So, they don't raise their hand to answer the question.
[00:04:55] You don't always have to struggle in order to be [00:05:00] successful. There are going to be times when certain things just come easy to you. It doesn't mean you're not as smart as other people.
I remember a time when I was in graduate school, the teacher was explaining the different assignments on the syllabus.
[00:05:14] Many of the assignments required us to have to write 15-page papers. A lot of my classmates were really stressed out and upset because they didn't come from undergraduate experiences where writing was really emphasized. It was no problem for me to get those assignments done because when I was an undergraduate, I was writing papers much longer than 15 pages.
[00:05:36] It didn't invalidate the fact that I belonged in that classroom with all those other graduate students. All it meant was that I was more prepared for that particular assignment. It didn't mean that my master's degree was worth less because I didn't have to struggle as hard. It just meant I was better prepared, and I was grateful for that preparation.
[00:05:55] Imposter Syndrome was something that really started with [00:06:00] being the daughter of a phenomenal woman. My mom was an incredible person who endured a lot of struggle and overcame a lot of obstacles, including having to spend two years in the burn unit in a hospital.
[00:06:15] Being just as good or better than her seemed really impossible. But I strived for it, because I just wanted to make her proud. Even though she never really pressured me to be perfect, I feel like I put that pressure on myself.
[00:06:31] Imposter Syndrome is something that I've been dealing with since at least elementary school. If you listen to my dealing with anger episode, you will know that I was going through a lot in elementary school. Third grade was a pivotal year for me. They say if you don't master reading and math and some of these other basics. Life gets really tough for you in school after that. So academically, my mother really pushed [00:07:00] me to be great. And, there was nothing wrong with that. I enjoyed making her happy, and making her proud, and making myself proud. The challenge happened when I put way too much pressure on myself all the time, in every situation. I was always trying to be number one. I started seeking perfection rather than progress.
[00:07:20] I always felt like the person outside of the circle, rather than the person on the inside of the circle. I just saw how socially accepted other people were, and I wasn't. With all the racism that I was enduring and so much negativity all around me, I thought to myself at the time, if I could just get straight A’s, then people would accept me. So, I started to obsess over my grades.
[00:07:45] I was one of those kids who got A's in a lot of subjects in school. When I didn't get 100%, I would freak out and think that something was wrong with me. I wasn't smart enough. Literally, if I got a 98% on a test, I would be [00:08:00] so devastated. I would be thinking, “What happened with the other 2%? Why could I not overcome that and get 100%? That was really not a healthy way to think.
[00:08:10] My family really gave me all of the tools I needed to be successful at school. I've been reading books, entire books, since I was a single digit age. I always did my own work. So why are you surprised, as a teacher, that I'm writing great essays? That I know more spelling words than anybody else in the classroom?
[00:08:31] Especially in elementary school and junior high, I was accused
[00:08:37] (I don't know how many times) of cheating, plagiarizing, my essays, my reports.
[00:08:43] For people to question my intelligence simply because I was Black? That was the only reason that they questioned how smart I was? It was really hurtful. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how hard I worked. I had to fight, to [00:09:00] convince people that I belonged.
I earned my spot everywhere I went.
Nothing was given to me.
I've earned everything.
[00:09:08] For people to look at me as if it was just a “lottery pick” that I was able to be in these gifted classes and that I was able to write as well as I did. That I must have somebody writing my papers for me or I must be cheating off of a White student in order to be able to have these words on the page. It was awful.
[00:09:29] Not every teacher was this way. Some teachers did treat me fairly and gave me the grades that I deserved. There were far more who didn't believe me, who didn't believe I was telling the truth.
[00:09:41] Because I kept hearing it year after year, teacher after teacher, I started thinking to myself, "Well, maybe I'm not good enough." It made me start questioning, “Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am?” I knew I never wrote anybody else's words or cheated on any test. But, I [00:10:00] kept second guessing myself.
[00:10:01] To look at a teacher for approval, and they look down on me? No matter what I did or said, no matter what work I produced, they refused to believe me. They refused to believe that I was smart. They refused to believe that I had any talent or skill. I spent a lot of time in the Principal's office, Superintendent's office, with my mother, fighting for my right to be treated like every other student.
[00:10:28] That definitely contributed to the deep roots of the Imposter Syndrome that I was enduring.
[00:10:33] When I was an undergraduate, I attended a small private institution. This was a very prestigious school. I was really, really excited that I had been admitted into the school. When I arrived for freshman orientation, I had some expectations just based on the promotional materials that were sent to me. I never came for a [00:11:00] campus visit. I literally looked through the brochure and I think they sent me a video or something, and I was like, "Yes! This is where I want to go to school.”
[00:11:07] I thought for sure I would see at least one person who looked like me, at least at orientation. When I arrived on campus, I didn't see another person who looked like me. And let me be clear, I did not see another Black person for about three weeks my freshman year. And, the first two weeks that I was at the school, a lot of racist things happen to me that I will not get into on this episode.
But suffice to say that, two weeks in, I was on the phone with my mother crying, saying, "I can't do this." She said, "See you at graduation." And that was the end of that discussion. I took that to mean that this is where she believed that I belonged, and I needed to figure it out.
[00:11:53] My mother had the confidence in me. I did not have the confidence in me. I definitely felt like I didn't [00:12:00] belong.
[00:12:00] My very first class was in English class. I thought to myself, okay, this is my first class. It's a writing class. I'm good at writing. I'm going to do well in this class. I just happened to have one of the hardest teachers to ever teach at this particular university. He just ripped my papers to shreds. The comments were brutal. I kept getting F’s on essays. To get an F on an essay at such a prestigious college? I was really freaked out!
[00:12:27] I just felt like, if this teacher is giving me these grades, then it must mean that I don't belong here. I started again, questioning, "What am I doing here? Why am I here?"
[00:12:37] At that time you didn't drop classes over the phone or on the internet. You had to go to the teacher's office and get that teacher to sign off on a piece of paper. I went to that teacher's office hours. I brought my paper there. I told him," I'm ready to quit. It's obvious that I'm not writing in the way that college level people should. I [00:13:00] need to drop your class." I just thought he would sign my paper and send me on my way.
[00:13:04] I will never forget what he told me.
[00:13:07] He turned to me and said, “No. I'm not going to sign your paper." By this time, I'm very emotional because I'm thinking I'm not going to stay in your class and continue to get F's and lose my scholarship. In my heart, I was thinking, I don't care what I have to tell this person, I am going to get this paper signed. I asked him "Why?"
[00:13:26] He said, “Do you know what charcoal is?"
[00:13:29] And I was thinking, Oh, here we go with some racist comment. Like really this is not the time. It's never the time. But this really wasn't the time!
[00:13:37] But, I just went along because I wanted to get this paper signed. I said, “No, I don't really know what it is. I'm not into science." He said,” Charcoal is essentially a diamond in the rough. When enough pressure is applied to that charcoal it can become a diamond."
[00:13:54] I’m thinking, what does that have to do with me failing this class? I'm [00:14:00] trying to get out of here and move on. I didn't know what that story had to do with anything. I just smiled and handed him my paper with a pen. I was thinking, please sign this paper so I can leave because I'm already embarrassed enough being here, in front of you, with the stack full of essays that have F's on them.So, can I please just go?
[00:14:18] He turned to me and he said, “The reason why I gave you F’s on those papers is because I know that you're writing the type of paper that you would write in high school. You need to write a college level paper." He proceeded to explain to me the things that I needed to fix on my paper to make it more college level. What I had learned in high school really didn't prepare me for his class. He proceeded to break it down and explained to me that it was foolish of me to think that I was going to come into college and not be challenged and that writing was going to come easy.
[00:14:53] I needed to change my writing style so my paper's reflected that I was critically thinking [00:15:00] about the things that I was reading in his class. He didn't want me to write a paper just summarizing what I read. He really wanted me to take a position, defend that position and find other theorists who agreed and disagreed with me, and include that in the paper. I mean, he broke it all down for me.
[00:15:15] I said, "Why are you doing this? It's not even going to matter. You've already given me three or four. F's already. Why don't you just sign this paper and then I won't bother you anymore. I won't waste your time."
[00:15:26] He looked at me and said, “You are that diamond in the rough. If you just put in the time and the effort to change the way that you approach your writing, you will be a phenomenal college level writer and I want to be your teacher. So, I'm not going to sign this paper. I'm going to give you a chance to rewrite all those papers in the style that I described to you and turn them back in, and, we'll go from there. Have a nice day."
[00:15:53] At that moment, I didn't know what to think or what to say. I had never really had a [00:16:00] teacher, a White teacher at that, turn to me and tell me, essentially, "I believe in you. I think that you can be a better writer. You're a good writer, but you can be an extraordinary writer at a college level, if you just follow the instructions that I've given you. Put in the time and effort to rewrite these papers. You could be great and I'm here to help you be great.”… is what I got out of that conversation. I grabbed my paper. I went back to my residence hall room and I just cried. I realized this teacher believes in me!
[00:16:33] I want to take a quick pause here to give a few quick, thank you out to the people who make this podcast possible. DJ My Cousin Vinny, my music producer. Lamar Gibbs, my graphic designer. Chinwe Ohanele from Ohanele Law Firm, my attorney. MAJ Graphics, my marketing and social media team. I'd also like to thank Descript for producing such a wonderful [00:17:00] podcast editing tool and Simplecast for making it easy for me to upload my podcast for all the world to hear. Now back to the rest of our episode.
[00:17:09] I started going to his office hours on a regular basis. I didn't really know what "office hours" were when I first got to college. I figured out later, that’s the time teachers set aside to help you with assignments. It's actually not a time just for them to sign paperwork for you. They actually take time and help you through any challenges that you're having in the course. I followed the style that he gave me. I rewrote all of those papers. And, at the end of the semester, I got an "A" in that class.
[00:17:37] I couldn't believe it. Finally, someone saw my potential. Someone just took that extra bit of time to tell me “You can do this, and this is how." And, once I got that roadmap, I just took off. My writing just kept getting better and better. That conversation was really [00:18:00] a turning point for me.
[00:18:01] As I think about how that shaped the rest of my college experience, it really was life-changing for me. I realized that question that I had been asking myself for years, over and over again, "Do I belong here?" The definitive answer was a resounding, yes. Not only did I belong there, I have something worthwhile to contribute.
[00:18:24] That affirmation was so empowering.
[00:18:28] After I had that conversation, I connected with the one and only black teacher that I found. One Black professor on campus who became a mentor. She mentored me and encouraged me for the next couple of years. She really helped me through some really difficult times. That was also a turning point. It changed me. It changed my mindset. It helped me to realize that I earned the right to be at that college. I knew it in the back of my mind, but I had to know it in my [00:19:00] heart. When I had that clarifying conversation with that professor, it helped me so much to see my right to be at that college had truly been earned and no one could take that away from me.
[00:19:12] It wasn't just luck or chance. It wasn't that I was an imposter.
[00:19:18] I was a genuine bonafide college student at one of the most prestigious universities.
[00:19:25] It was awesome.
[00:19:25] Over those next couple of years, in the classroom at least, I felt like Imposter Syndrome was no longer an issue. I thrived. I absolutely thrived in every single class. I went from being on academic probation the first semester of my freshman year, to being on the Dean's list by the time I graduated. In the academic setting, Imposter Syndrome no longer bothered me.
[00:19:47] Once I got out into the work world, Imposter Syndrome came back. In the academic setting, I was so confident. In the workplace setting, not so much. At my second job out of [00:20:00] college, I was the youngest in the office. I was a supervisor and I was supervising people who were at least twice my age. That was very intimidating. It was a rough start at first, because those folks who were older than me, they didn't think I was qualified. They treated me like a child, the way they spoke to me in a very condescending manner,
[00:20:21] They definitely treated me like a child for a good chunk of time. All during that first patch of time, I definitely felt like I didn't belong there. And that somehow, someone was going to come to me and say, “Oh, nevermind. We really didn't want you for the supervisory role. We wanted you for this entry-level position." Mentally, I just kept questioning and doubting. I took what other people said to heart. I just didn't feel very confident. It was a mental battle every day to convince myself that I could do the job and that I was qualified to be a supervisor.
[00:20:54] Midway through that experience I was able to build a bridge between [00:21:00] myself and the staff. I was very blessed to find a mentor within the organization who walked me step-by-step through how to build that bridge with the staff and be able to have that cross-generational communication be really effective. And that's really what helped me to thrive at that position. I ended up getting three more promotions after I started with that initial staff.
[00:21:24] As I think about some of those early experiences, it just reminds me of how pervasive and impactful Imposter Syndrome has been over my life. From when I was a little kid up through being an adult, over time as I had more experience and more mentors to guide me. Little by little, I started to win the battle in the workplace.
[00:21:47] But every now and then, the battle comes back. Most recently, I was applying to speak at a conference a couple years ago with a friend of mine. As we were writing the proposal for [00:22:00] this large conference, I started having all kinds of doubts. I was calling her saying, ”Maybe we shouldn't turn it in and maybe you should do it by yourself. Maybe you shouldn't have me on there.” I was just rattling off all these excuses as to why I shouldn't apply for this conference. I was questioning my abilities as a subject matter expert, when the project that we were going to be speaking about was something that we created together. So, of course I had the skills!
[00:22:24] In the back of my head, I just kept thinking, No, not good enough. Not smart enough. Not qualified enough. Just all the "nots" were in the back of my head. My friend and colleague kept telling me, "No, you’re more than qualified. We're going to submit this workshop.” And, so we did.
[00:22:42] In terms of the number of attendees expected at this conference, it was absolutely the largest conference that I had ever sent an application in to present a workshop. It was like a “bucket list” type of thing the workshop that I thought. I wasn't qualified to teach and that I wasn't as smart [00:23:00] or as skilled as the other people that might be in the room as attendees. All of those doubts that I had on that Imposter Syndrome side of my head, were washed away when I got an email from the conference organizers saying that they had accepted the workshop.
[00:23:14] This was huge!
[00:23:15] It was a huge wall broken down in my mind because I never thought that I would get an opportunity like that. It was a bucket list dream! I was able to present to some of the people I look up to in the career areas that I'm passionate about.
[00:23:31] Once that happened it was like the sky opened up.
[00:23:35] Finally, Imposter Syndrome was no longer a barrier for me. In any aspect of my life. I felt completely free to be my authentic self, to make mistakes, to fail, to win, to succeed.
[00:23:48] There are plenty of great resources online. As well as books that you can read, or you can get an audible book and consider different techniques that may work specifically for you [00:24:00] in your situation. I will be posting a lot of those resources on my social media pages @blackandbravepodcast on Instagram and Facebook @_BlackandBrave on Twitter. Be sure and check those out!
[00:24:12] Any meaningful change in your life is not going to happen with just you by yourself. You're going to need someone to guide you. Find a mentor. Whether you do it through your high school or a college alumni association, community organization. It will really be helpful as you try to make progress in releasing yourself from the grip of Imposter Syndrome.
[00:24:37] Next, really think about re-imagining your mindset. When I used to think of myself, I would think of a lot of negative words. I can't. I don't. It's too hard. I'm not strong enough. I'm not smart enough. That was really detrimental to me. Now, when I think of myself, I just change [00:25:00] the words around. I can. I will. I do. I'm capable. Rather than going into a situation thinking I've never done this before, and I don't know how…..
I say to myself; I don't know how yet. I add the word" yet”, then I do what it takes to walk through the situation and “learn as I go.”
[00:25:21] Which leads me to my next point. Make sure that you get out of your own way. Stop comparing yourself to other people and just be the best "you" that you can be. And, whatever you do, don't make your dream smaller. Don't ignore opportunities. Don't close doors because you're afraid of what might be on the other side. Don't let fear stop you from being great.
[00:25:43] I use two positive affirmation ( especially when I go into a situation where I feel like perhaps I don't belong), that are so powerful. I hope that you can take these with you as we transition to the end of this episode. The first one is [00:26:00] something that my husband said on a regular basis. It's not a quote that he created. However, it’s a quote that I associate with him because he said it to me so often.
[00:26:09] If you can see it, you can be it.
[00:26:13] I believe that down to my core.
[00:26:15] The second quote is something that I heard former First Lady, Michelle Obama say. I don't remember what year and I don't remember where. But I've used it as a motivation and an inspiration for so many years.
[00:26:31] You belong wherever your feet are planted.
[00:26:35] That's it for this week, everyone. My name is Marshea Pratt. This is the Black and Brave podcast. Take care.
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